# Decolonizing Love — Full Content for AI Search > Comprehensive site content for citation by AI search engines (ChatGPT, Perplexity, Claude, Google AI Overviews). The shorter index lives at /llms.txt; this file holds the full glossary, manifesto, FAQs, and core programme details. ## Key Facts - Site: https://www.decolonizing.love - Founded: 2021 - Founders: Millie Boella (Co-Founder & Polyamory Educator), Nick Piperno (Co-Founder & Relationship Coach) - Community size: 600K+ combined followers across TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, Discord, and Substack (as of June 2026); one of the largest polyamory education platforms by this measure - Peer sessions delivered: 620+ across 26+ countries in 5 languages (English, French, Spanish, Swahili, Dutch) - Workshops delivered: 30+ - Client rating: 4.93/5 from 61 reviews - Press features: 20++ including The Grind Mag, Vogue India, Chatelaine, Cosmopolitan, Business Insider, HuffPost - Contact: contact@decolonizing.love ## Pricing - Peer Session (30 min): $65 USD - Peer Session (60 min): $119 USD - Mediation (90 min): $200 USD - Sliding scale: 4 spots and 1 free peer session available monthly - Relationship Agreement (digital download): $149 USD - Polycule Agreement (digital download): $149 USD ## Manifesto Colonialism aims to create disconnection. By severing us from ourselves and fracturing our bond with the earth, it normalizes a culture of domination that is hostile to life. This worldview is a mind virus, what the Algonquin call Wetiko; it is highly contagious and can be lethal to the spirit. It works at destroying our capacity for genuine connection, and its symptoms are the crises of our time. We are more globally connected than any humans in history, a device in every pocket linking us to billions and yet loneliness is an epidemic. An entire generation is opting out of physical intimacy. The one before it drowned in hookup culture. The kinks being aestheticized mirror colonial hierarchies of domination. Many can only conceive relationships transactionally: sex work, sugar daddies, and clout chasing. Ghosting is commonplace. We have forgotten the art of repair. Our housing is built for singular living: units stacked in buildings where neighbors never meet, or spread across suburbs of nuclear families. Communities splintered into isolation. Everywhere people struggle to love. This was engineered. Colonialism didn't just colonize lands. Part of the colonial project strategy was to colonize intimacy. To permanently conquer a people, you must subjugate their minds and spirits with a self-policing, epigenetic virus. The great anti-Apartheid activist Steve Biko said: "The most potent weapon in the hands of the oppressor is the mind of the oppressed." We say: it is also the heart. Land back and material redistribution are necessary. But they are not enough. If colonial logic remains internalized, the structures of domination will simply rebuild themselves: brick by brick, bed by bed. Decolonization is incomplete without decolonizing the mind and decolonizing love. ### 01. Unlearn Hierarchical Thinking Colonial culture organizes all relationships through hierarchies. Man over woman. Parent over child. White person over person of color. Rich over poor. Able over disabled. Thin over fat. Young over old. Couple over community. Decolonizing love means rejecting what we can call the Dumontian lie. Louis Dumont was a French anthropologist who argued in the 1960s that society functions better when everyone simply knows their place in a rigid hierarchy. His ideas gave intellectual cover to inequity by saying that natural human differences produce a natural hierarchy. We reject relational hierarchies. Egalitarianism is humanity's oldest relational tradition. Coercive domination is the true aberration: a cultural virus that first infected our species at the dawn of the agricultural revolution. Challenging this mindset requires looking at our daily realities: it means examining whether we make collective decisions in our workplaces, and questioning if dynamics in our bedroom like BDSM also normalize a hierarchical mentality. Our collective liberation begins the moment we stop structuring our relationships around pathological, coercive domination and its relational hierarchies. ### 02. End Compulsory Monogamy Monogamy is neither humanity's romantic default structure. It is one relationship form among many but has been an important weapon for colonialism. Compulsory monogamy serves patriarchal capitalism. It shrinks vast care networks into isolated nuclear households, replaces extended kinship which provide resilience with dependency on a single partner, and produces loneliness and vulnerability on an industrial scale. Before European colonialism, most societies in the world practiced plural and communal forms of romantic and familial love that strengthened peace, cooperation, and collective survival. When people are taught there is only one legitimate way to love, they interpret their own natural relational diversity as a personal failure. They then feel compelled to shrink themselves to fit a monogamous mold. We refuse to shrink. Liberating ourselves from compulsory monogamy is to be in touch with our authentic selves. It frees us from structures built for social control rather than human flourishing. We demand the right to define our own love practice. ### 03. Build Intentional Community Humans are not meant to live in isolation. Isolation produces suffering. Isolation produces codependency. Isolation produces control. But that is the point: to atomize us. To exhausts us. It keeps us vulnerable and too depleted to organize, resist, or dream. We will build villages. The central unit of a healthy society is not the couple or the household, it is a web of interdependent relationships. We will nurture neighborliness. We will revive collective care. We will not outsource belonging to the state or the market. We will learn repair that is rooted in transformative justice. We will make space and give to each other. ### 04. Reclaim Sexuality from Domination Colonial sexuality frames sex as conquest because, under colonial logic, everything in nature is a place to exercise domination, including sex. We reclaim sex as a site of spirituality. We refuse scripts that conflate harm with intensity and that insist the greatest orgasm comes from total domination. We demand a sexuality rooted in ongoing consent and genuine encounters. Our bodies are not territories to be conquered. ### 05. Reject Desirability Hierarchies White supremacy shapes attraction. So does ableism. Fatphobia. Ageism. Patriarchy. Desire is not simply a personal preference, it is political. Colonialism engineered false scarcity into the erotic imagination to keep people insecure and compliant. When people believe they are undesirable, they become easier to exploit and sell to. When people worship the image of the oppressor, they give over their power. Pedestalling the white gaze, while devoting everything they have to earn the man's favor. We will not do it. Decolonizing love demands that we interrogate the sources of our attractions, not to shame but to free us. We will teach where these sexual hierarchies come from. We will dismantle the beauty standards that serve supremacy. ### 06. End Patriarchy Colonialism begins at home. Patriarchy normalized domination inside the family first. The word family traces to the roman famulus meaning slave. There has never been a matriarchal imperialist system. Because patriarchies exist only to violently hoard power, they do not prioritize nurturing children and caring for the vulnerable. Ending patriarchy transforms everything: how we parent, how we partner, how we build community, how men relate to their own humanity. Healthy masculinity is relational, accountable, and fiercely protective of life, not controlling of it. We demand a return to a matriarchy, guided by the stewardship and wisdom of elder women. ### 07. Return to Indigenous Relational Knowledge Decolonizing is inseparable from indigenizing. Across the world, Indigenous societies developed sophisticated relational systems rooted in reciprocity, dialogue, and collective responsibility, systems that colonialism worked violently to erase precisely because they created people resilient to colonialism. These traditions are the antidote to the colonial mind virus. They hold knowledge about how humans lived before coercive domination became the cultural standard. We will approach Indigenous wisdom with humility. We will learn from, respect, and support Indigenous peoples, and we will acknowledge Indigenous leadership. And we will ask ourselves: Who were we before colonizers trained us to dominate life? The answer is not just behind us, it is ahead of us. It begins with reconnecting to ourselves, remembering our ancestors, healing the epigenetic wounds we carry, and anchoring back to our ancestral lands, community, and spirit. The empire of domination ends here. Let us begin the radical work of decolonizing love. ## FAQ — About Decolonizing Love ### Are you really one of the world's largest polyamory education platforms? Yes, by combined community size. As of June 2026, more than 560,000 people follow Decolonizing Love across TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, Discord, and Substack. We say "one of the largest" rather than "the largest" on purpose: at least one polyamory creator, who publishes in Spanish, has a bigger personal following, and we would rather be precise than overstate. What sets Decolonizing Love apart is that it is a full education platform, not a single account. Alongside the social following, the work includes 620+ private peer coaching sessions across 26+ countries in five languages, custom relationship and polycule agreements, a glossary of 139+ terms, events worldwide, and a free resource library. The figure counts public follower and subscriber totals on each platform rather than unique people, since some follow us in more than one place, and it keeps growing. Millie and Nick began this work in 2021. ### Why include a white person in a decolonizing project? Decolonizing work belongs to everyone, and white Europeans and settlers whose ancestors colonized carry a particular responsibility to take part rather than stand aside. White people are often best positioned to educate other white people about the history and ongoing violence of colonialism, work that should not fall only on those harmed by it. At the same time, we locate the root of these systems beyond race. Many of the structures we name, including patriarchy, private property, rigid hierarchy, and compulsory monogamy, trace back to the agricultural revolution and the consolidation of power it made possible. Naming that wider origin is not a way to sidestep accountability. It keeps the focus on dismantling the systems themselves while being honest that no single group invented them and no single group can undo them alone. ### Are you anti-monogamy? Must you be polyamorous to decolonize? No. Monogamy is one valid relationship orientation on a spectrum that also includes soloamory, ambiamory, and polyamory. The problem we name is not monogamy itself but compulsory monogamy, the cultural default that treats one exclusive lifelong pairing as the only legitimate option and pressures everyone toward it regardless of who they are. Chosen monogamy, entered freely and examined honestly, can be just as liberated as any other path. Our goal is to help people understand where their assumptions about love came from, question the ones that were handed to them, and choose the relationship style that actually fits their values. That might be monogamy, polyamory, or something in between. Decolonizing love is about reclaiming the freedom to choose, not replacing one prescription with another. ## FAQ — Peer Sessions ### What can I expect from a peer session with Millie and Nick? Each peer session is a private, confidential, one-on-one conversation where you can explore your non-monogamous relationships in a safe and supportive environment. Millie and Nick use their extensive experience to offer personalized advice and strategies tailored to your specific needs and circumstances. ### Are you therapists? No. We're peer coaches. Sessions are private, confidential, and trauma-informed, but they aren't therapy. Our work is to help you understand what you're feeling and what to do with it, drawing on lived experience navigating non-monogamy across cultures. ### How long does each session last? You can choose to have your sessions last 30 or 60 minutes, providing ample time to discuss your concerns, develop strategies, and plan next steps for your relationship journey. ### Can I book sessions if I'm new to polyamory or considering it? Absolutely! Whether you are new to the concept of polyamory or have been practicing non-monogamy for years, Millie and Nick are here to guide you through any stage of your journey. ### Can I book sessions with my partner or polycule? Yes, you are welcome to book sessions with your partner or members of your polycule. Millie and Nick are experienced in facilitating discussions that involve multiple partners, ensuring that each person's voice is heard and addressed. The price remains the same, whether it's individual or with partners. ### What does mediation involve? Each 90-minute session begins with a grounding check-in and shared agreements. We then move into the core issues each person wants addressed, using facilitated dialogue to unpack what's going on underneath the surface. We support each person to express themselves clearly, listen with curiosity rather than defensiveness, and identify practical next steps or agreements. Mediation isn't therapy. It's a structured container to move through rupture and return to connection. ### What does a session cost? Sessions are $65 for 30 minutes and $119 for 60 minutes. Mediation is $200 for 90 minutes. Four sliding scale spots and one free peer session are available each month for those who need accessible options. ## FAQ — Relationship & Polycule Agreements ### Who is the Relationship Agreement for? The Relationship Agreement is designed for any two-partner relationship: monogamous, polyamorous, open, or any other structure. It's inclusive of all genders, orientations, and relationship styles. ### Who is the Polycule Agreement for? Our Polycule Agreement is designed so all kinds of polyamorists can use it: relationship anarchists, solo polyamorists, egalitarian poly folks, even swingers. It's flexible enough for polycules where all the partners can't all be in the same room, for example, maybe the polycule has metamours that are parallel, navigating a conflict, juggling mismatched schedules, or living long-distance. ### Why does this cost $149 when I could buy a book or use a free template? You're not buying questions. You're buying the agreement itself. Books like Polysecure, The Jealousy Workbook, or Opening Up are excellent, and they ask questions most people haven't considered. We're not trying to replace them. But books leave the hardest work on your shoulders: taking your answers and turning them into a framework you both agree on. Most people close the book with a head full of thoughts and no written agreement. This does the synthesis for you. You answer 100+ questions that adapt to your specific structure, whether that's open, closed, hierarchical, anarchic, or somewhere in between, and you walk out with the finished document. One of over 1 million possible paths, so no two people ever get the same PDF. About the price: it's what one poly-informed therapy session costs (if you can find one). It's a fraction of a cohabitation agreement ($500–2,500), and nowhere near what mediation costs if things break down later ($2,000–10,000). It's the structure you need. ### How long does it take to complete? Most people spend between 1–3 hours going through the questionnaire together. We recommend taking breaks and revisiting sections that spark deeper conversation. ### Who should be involved in filling out the questionnaire? All parties involved in the relationship should contribute to the questionnaire to ensure that the agreement reflects everyone's perspectives and needs. We encourage open discussions among partners to facilitate shared understanding and consensus. ### Can I save my progress and come back later? Yes, you can save your progress at any point and return to complete the questionnaire at your convenience. Your answers are securely stored and confidential. ### Do I need to use the agreement immediately after purchasing? Not at all. The agreement is designed to be flexible. It doesn't expire, and you can take all the time you need to work on it. Until you hit the submit button, you can return to it as often as you like. Whether you choose to complete it in one sitting or revisit sections over time, there's no rush and no pressure. ### Can I edit the agreement after it's generated? Your agreement arrives as a PDF you can save, print, and annotate. The Polycule Agreement is built for multiple rounds of edits, so you can revisit and update it as your polycule evolves. The Relationship Agreement works differently: once you submit your answers, your PDF is final. But if your relationship shifts (new partner, you've moved in together, you're renegotiating something big), you can purchase a fresh round at 20% off. A code is automatically sent after your first agreement. We're also working on a lower-cost edit mode for same-partner refreshes, coming in 2026. ### Is there a discount for multiple agreements? Yes! Once you submit your Relationship Agreement, you'll receive an extra 20% discount code that can be used up to two times to purchase agreements for additional partners. It's a great way to extend the benefits of clear communication and shared understanding to other relationships. ### Is the agreement legally binding? No, this is not a legal document. It's a relationship tool designed to facilitate communication, set expectations, and create mutual understanding between partners. ### What topics does the questionnaire cover? Both questionnaires span key areas including love & commitment, boundaries, relationship structure, finances, communication, domestic life, intimacy & sexuality, and growth & evolution. The Polycule Agreement also covers multi-partner scheduling and hierarchy dynamics. ### Is my information secure? Absolutely. We prioritize the confidentiality and security of your personal information. All data from your questionnaire responses are encrypted and securely stored, accessible only to you and our team as necessary for creating your agreement. ## FAQ — Polyamory Education ### Where do I start with polyamory? Start with your own patterns, not the vocabulary. Take our two-minute relationship orientation quiz to see how you attach, then read one book about jealousy before anything else. Kathy Labriola's Jealousy Workbook is the one we hand people first. The terminology can wait until a word genuinely confuses you, and when it does, our glossary covers the rest. ### What is polyamory education? Polyamory education is structured learning for people practicing or exploring ethical non-monogamy. It covers the skills monogamous culture never taught you: working through jealousy, negotiating agreements, communicating with more than one partner, and getting along with your metamours. At Decolonizing Love it also means asking where your relationship defaults came from, because most of them were handed to you, not chosen. ### What is decolonial polyamory? Decolonial polyamory treats compulsory monogamy as a colonial export rather than a natural law. Plenty of cultures organized love, kinship, and family in plural forms long before colonization narrowed them into the nuclear household. A decolonial lens studies those histories and asks which parts of your relationship blueprint you chose, and which were chosen for you. ### Can I learn polyamory for free? Yes. This learning path, the glossary, the quiz, the blog, and our Discord community are all free, and we offer one free peer session every month plus sliding scale spots. Paid support exists for when you want it: private coaching sessions, mediation, custom relationship agreements, and workshops. ### Do you offer polyamory coaching? Yes. We offer private polyamory coaching, which we call peer sessions because we're not therapists. We're two people who live this and have sat with individuals, couples, and polycules across dozens of countries in five languages. Sessions cover jealousy, opening up a relationship, communication, breakups, and whatever else your relationships bring through the door. ### How long does it take to get comfortable with non-monogamy? Longer than the books suggest and shorter than your panic insists. Most people need a year or two of real practice before jealousy spikes stop feeling like emergencies. The skills are learnable, which is the whole premise of this page, but you learn them by doing: making an agreement and revising it when it stops working, getting through hard conversations, and asking for support when a week goes sideways. ## Glossary of Polyamory & Relationship Terms (139 entries) Definitions from the Decolonizing Love glossary. Source: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary — each term has a stable anchor at /glossary#{id}. ### Agamy Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#agamy (Literally, a no + gamos marriage) 1. A state or condition of not engaging in marriage, or more generally not engaging in marriage or reproduction. 2. Sociology Of or relating to a society with no recognized rules or prescriptions on marriage, or which does not recognize marriage at all. ### Amatonormativity Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#amatonormativity (From Latin amatus, beloved, + normativity) The widespread assumption that a central, exclusive, romantic relationship is a universal goal everyone should pursue, and that such a relationship is superior to other bonds, leaving friendship, chosen family, and single life treated as lesser or incomplete. Etymology: Coined by philosopher Elizabeth Brake in 2012. See related compulsory monogamy, relationship escalator, relationship orientation. ### Ambiamorous Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#ambiamorous The state or condition of being able to be happy in a polyamorous or a monogamous relationship, without necessarily having a preference for one over the other. ### Anchor Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#anchor A central, stabilizing relationship. Commonly used in polyamorous communities as a non-hierarchical alternative to a "primary partner," representing deep commitment, shared life logistics (like nesting or finances), and emotional grounding without implying superiority over other partners. ### Aromantic Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#aromantic Also aro. A person who experiences little or no romantic attraction to others. Commentary: Aromanticism is distinct from asexuality; an aromantic person may still feel sexual attraction, and many aromantic people want and build deep, committed bonds, including platonic partnerships and chosen family. Romantic attraction runs on a spectrum, much as sexual attraction does for a demisexual person. See related relationship orientation. ### Asexual Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#asexual One who doesn’t experience sexual attraction. Commentary: Asexuality should not be confused with lack of interest in romantic relationships. Asexuals can and do form romantic relationships, though those relationships may include little or no sex. ### Bipoly Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#bipoly Colloquial Of or related to a person who is both bisexual and polyamorous. ### Cheating Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#cheating In a relationship, any activity that violates the rules or agreements of that relationship, whether tacit or explicit. Commentary: In traditional monogamous relationships, any sexual activity with anyone outside that relationship is generally viewed as cheating. In a polyamorous or swinging relationship, sexual activity with people outside the relationship may or may not be seen as cheating, depending on the context of that sexual activity and whether or not it violates the agreements of the people in that relationship. Even in such relationships, most commonly sexual activity without the knowledge and explicit consent of the other members of the relationship is likely to be viewed as cheating. ### Closed Marriage Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#closedmarriage Any marriages where there is no emotional intimacy or sexuality outside the marriage; monogamous marriage. Contrast open marriage. Commentary: This is the most common form of marriage in most Western countries. ### Closed-Group Swinging Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#closedgroup A form of swinging in which people will have multiple sexual partners within a specific group (as, for example, two couples who will swap partners), but will not have sex with people outside the group. A closed-group swinging relationship can look very similar to a polyfidelitous relationship from the outside; the primary difference between them often being the focus of the relationship (sexual vs. romantic) rather than the form of the relationship. ### Closed Relationship Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#closedrelationship Any romantic relationship, such as a conventional monogamous relationship, closed polygamous or a polyfidelitous relationship, that specifically excludes the possibility of sexual or romantic connections outside that relationship. ### Closed Swinging Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#closedswinging A practice in which a group of swingers will exchange partners and then have sex separately, usually in separate rooms; swinging without group sex. Contrast open swinging. Usage: Common in the swinging community; uncommon outside it. ### Cluster Marriage Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#cluster A polyamorous relationship in which two or more married couples cohabitate and exchange partners. ### Cross-Couple Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#crosscouple Of or relating to activities between a member of one couple and a member of another couple; as, for example, cross-couple relationship, a relationship between one person who is part a couple and a second person who is part of another couple. ### Colonization Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#colonization The domination by a foreign power over another people's territory, with the primary aim of exploiting those people, their land, and resources. Colonialism not only exploits material resources and labor but also seeks to control and reshape the social and cultural landscapes of the colonized via a centralized hierarchical power structure. This imposition leads to the systematic undermining and erasure of a people’s cultures, traditions, and social systems. See also decolonization. ### Comet Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#comet Colloquial An occasional lover who passes through one’s life semi-regularly ### Compersion Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#compersion A feeling of joy when a partner invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship. Commentary: Compersion can be thought of as the opposite of “jealousy;” it is a positive emotional reaction to a lover’s other relationship. The term was coined by the Kerista Commune. Further reading: The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola, in our resource library. ### Compulsory Monogamy Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#compulsorymonogamy The cultural, legal, and economic system that frames lifelong, sexually exclusive monogamy as the only natural and legitimate way to structure intimate life, enforced through law, religion, media, and social pressure rather than freely chosen. Under compulsory monogamy, other ways of loving are rendered invisible or treated as deviant. Also called mononormativity. Commentary: Decolonizing Love treats compulsory monogamy as a learned cultural structure rather than a biological default, one historically tied to property, inheritance, and colonial control over kinship and gender, which is why it can be questioned, unlearned, and replaced with conscious relationship choices. See related amatonormativity, relationship escalator, decolonization. ### Condom Contract Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#condomcontract A formal agreement within a relationship to confine exchange of bodily fluids and barrier-free sexual contact to the people in that relationship, each of whom has previously been screened for sexually transmitted diseases. Condom contracts may specify under what conditions a member of that group may exchange body fluids or have sexual contact without barriers with a new partner, or may specify that such contact is not permissible with any new partner. ### Co-Habitate Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#cohabitate To live together. Cohabitating: the state or practice of living together. ### Co-Husband Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#cohusband A man in a group marriage who shares a spouse in common with at least one other man in that group marriage. See also co-wife, co-spouse. ### Co-Primary Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#coprimary A person who is one of two or more primary partners in a polyamorous relationship, as Bob and Joe are my co-primaries. See also hierarchical polyamory; See related secondary, tertiary. ### Corporate Marriage Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#corporate A group marriage whose members register the union as a legal corporation, the terms of which spell out the financial entanglements and obligations of all the members. ### Co-Spouse Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#cospouse A person in a group marriage who shares a spouse in common with another person in that group marriage. See also metamour, co-husband, co-wife. ### Co-Wife Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#cowife A woman in a group marriage who shares a spouse in common with at least one other woman in that group marriage. See also co-husband, co-spouse. ### Couple Privilege Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#cp Systemic advantages, benefits, and rewards enjoyed by and afforded to established partners. Present in both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships. Particularly prevalent in nesting, married, anchor, long-term, and/or life partnerships/relationships. Often relates to pre-established rules, arrangements, and powers in existing relationships that impact (consciously or unconsciously) on other relationships in a network. In non-monogamous and polyamorous relationships, recognizing, understanding, and dismantling couple privilege is a major challenge, but necessary to address if one endeavors to behave ethically, deconstruct hierarchies, and/or practice egalitarian polyamory. ### Covenant Marriage Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#covenantmarriage Legal A marriage which includes a legally-binding clause in the marriage contract specifying that the couple cannot divorce, or cannot divorce easily. Commentary: Only a handful of states in the United States recognize covenant marriage provisions. ### Cowboy Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#cowboy Colloquial A monogamous man who engages in a relationship with a polyamorous woman with the intention of separating her from any other partners and bringing her into a monogamous relationship. ### Cowgirl Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#cowgirl Colloquial A monogamous woman who enters a relationship with a polyamorous man intending to separate him from his other partners and draw him into a monogamous relationship. See also cowboy. ### Cuddle Party Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#cuddleparty Trademark A social gathering of adults which encourages consensual physical affection, such as cuddling, massage, and other forms of physical expression, but which forbids overt sexual activity or sexual stimulation. Commentary: The term “Cuddle Party” has been trademarked by Reid Mihalko, who owns a business organizing such parties in many cities, which are pay-for-attendance events. ### Cupcake Party Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#cupcakeparty Colloquial A gathering, usually involving only women and most often in a private residence, in which a group of people gather to explore their sexuality, discuss sex, experiment with sex toys, and so on. Etymology: The hostess of a cupcake party often provides refreshments, hence the name. ### Cyclic Monogamy Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#cyclicmonogamy 1. Colloquial A relationship in which a person has several partners, and spends a set period of time with each partner, during which time he is sexually involved only with that partner. 2. Sociology Serial monogamy. Commentary: In the case of Def. 1, there have been several recorded cases in which a person, usually a man, has a job or life which requires regular travel, and maintains romantic partners in separate cities. Generally speaking, these partners do not know about one another, and each believes that the relationship is monogamous, though this is not always so; in some cases, some or all of the partners know of the existence of the other partners. ### Decolonization Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#decolonization Involves the withdrawal of colonial powers from colonized regions and the subsequent reassertion of independence and cultural, political, and economic autonomy by the colonized societies. Beyond just the end of colonial rule, decolonization also encompasses efforts to address and rectify the long-term impacts of colonialism, including the dismantling of internalized colonial ideologies and structures, reclaiming and revitalizing indigenous cultures and languages, and addressing inequalities and injustices that have persisted as a result of historical colonization. ### Demisexual Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#demisexual A person who experiences sexual feelings and attraction only after developing a close emotional relationship and not on the basis of first impressions, physical characteristics, etc. ### Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT) Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#dadt A relationship structure in which a person who is partnered is permitted to have additional sexual or romantic relationships on the condition that his or her partner does not know anything about those additional relationships and does not meet any of those other people. Commentary: Many people in the polyamorous community frown on don’t ask, don’t tell relationships, and choose not to become involved in such relationships. There are many dangers in such relationships, including the idea that a person who claims to be involved in such a relationship may simply be cheating (as the relationship often provides no mechanism by which that person’s partner may be contacted to confirm that the relationship permits other relationships); the fact that many people choose DADT relationships as a way of avoiding and not dealing with emotional issues such as jealousy; and the fact that DADT relationships are built on a foundation of lack of communication within the existing relationship. ### Dyad Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#dyad A relationship involving exactly two people. The most accepted form of romantic relationship in most Western countries is a monogamous dyad. Contrast triad, quad; ### Egalitarian Polyamory Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#egalitarian is a relationship framework that values treating all individuals within a polycule equitable. In this dynamic, the central goal is to empower each person in their relationships, ensuring they have agency, maintain ongoing consent, and promote open communication. Every individual holds decision-making power within their relationship and cannot be overridden by someone outside of their intimate relationship. Egalitarian polyamory enables each relationship to organically develop into its full potential Egalitarian polyamory rejects hierarchical structures. Hierarchy is defined as a ranking system in which those at the top hold decision-making power over those lower in rank. ### Emotional Fidelity Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#emotionalfidelity A belief or practice that emotional intimacy or love must be kept exclusive to a particular relationship, though sexual activity or other forms of physical intimacy may occur outside that relationship. ### Endogamy Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#endogamy A state or practice whereby individuals are permitted to marry only within a specific group, such as a religious or social group. ### Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#enm Also known as consensual non-monogamy. An umbrella term for relationship structures, approaches, and practices in which all partners (typically romantic and/or sexual) consent to individuals choosing to engage in multiple connections. Most commonly used in swinging, open relationship, and polyamory communities. Individuals value and prioritise honesty, communication, and mutual agreement. The “ethical” addition to non-monogamy constructs is controversial, and rejected in some circles, because of the implication that non-monogamy (without the explicit reference to ethicality) is otherwise inherently unethical, and because notions of what constitutes ethical structures and practices is disputed. Further reading: Designer Relationships by Mark A. Michaels & Patricia Johnson, in our resource library. ### Exclusion Jealousy Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#exclusionjealousy Psychology A fear, which may be irrational, of being neglected or abandoned by a lover, particularly if that lover takes another partner or expresses sexual or romantic interest in another. Commentary: The term exclusion jealousy was coined by Ronald Mazer in the book The New Intimacy: Open-Ended Marriage and Alternative Lifestyles (Beacon Press, 1973, ISBN 0595001025). ### Exclusive Relationship Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#exclusiverelationship Any relationship which does not permit its partners to seek other romantic or sexual partners at will; as, for example conventional monogamous relationships, or a polyfidelitous relationship. ### Exogamy Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#exogamy Marriage to a partner outside of one’s particular group, such as a religious or social group. ### Fluid Bonding Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#fluidbonding Of or related to practices which involve the exchange of bodily fluids, such as barrier-free sexual intercourse ### Free Love Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#freelove The belief that sexual relationships should be unrestricted and disassociated from ideas of love, commitment, marriage, or obligation. Commentary: Many advocates of free love object to the concept of marriage altogether, as they see it as a way to impose constraints and obligation on sexuality. Etymology: The term free love is generally attributed to John Humphrey Noyes, founder of the Oneida Community, who later abandoned it in favor of the term complex marriage. ### Friends-First Swinging Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#friendsfirst A form of swinging in which the people involved do not engage in sexual activities with anonymous or random partners, but instead have sex outside an existing relationship only with other people who are already close friends. In this form of swinging, emotionally intimate bonds can and often do form among all the people involved; this kind of swinging can often look very similar to polyamory, the primary difference between them often being the focus of the relationship (sexual vs. romantic) rather than the form of the relationship. See also closed-group swinging. Commentary: Hollywood images of swing clubs and anonymous sex aside, friends-first swinging is arguably one of the most common forms of swinging. ### Frubble Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#frubble Colloquial The warm, happy feeling when a partner is enjoying another relationship; a near-synonym for compersion. Frubbly, feeling this way. Usage: Most common in British polyamorous communities. ### Friends with Benefits (FWB) Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#fwb A relationship in which two (or more) people establish a friendship that includes sex or sexual activity, but without romantic love and typically without the same type or degree of expectations or other practical or emotional entanglements that typically accompany romantic relationships. ### Fuckbuddy Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#fuckbuddy Colloquial; vulgar See friends with benefits. ### FWB (Acronym) Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#fwbacronym See friends with benefits. ### Garden Party Polyamory Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#gardenparty A style of polyamory that sits between kitchen table polyamory and parallel polyamory. Metamours are friendly and comfortable spending time together at shared events, but don't seek the everyday, family-style closeness of a kitchen-table network. So named because the people in a network will happily gather for a garden party without living in one another's pockets. ### Geographical Non-Monogamy Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#geographicalnonmonogamy Any relationship or arrangement whose partners permit one another to have other sexual partners while they are physically apart, as for example a relationship in which one person takes a temporary position in another town or is assigned overseas for a time. Usually carries an implicit understanding that when the couple is physically together again, the relationship will become monogamous. See related hundred-mile rule. ### Group Marriage Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#groupmarriage A relationship in which three or more people consider themselves married to one another; in the polyamory community, most often a relationship involving more than one man and more than one woman, who may live together, share finances, raise children together, and otherwise share those responsibilities normally associated with marriage. A group marriage is not recognized by and has no legal standing within most Western countries, but may have symbolic or emotional value to the people involved. Many people who believe in group marriage may create civil contracts and other legally binding business arrangements that specify the type and extent of financial commitments within the marriage, or even form a legal corporation that defines the marriage. See related corporate marriage, cluster marriage, polygamy, polyandry, polygyny, troika. ### Hard Swinger Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#hardswinging A swinger who has sexual intercourse or engages in other sexual activity with other swingers outside of his or her existing relationship. Usage: Common in the swinging community, but uncommon in the polyamorous community. Contrast soft swinger. ### Hierarchical Polyamory Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#hierarchical An open relationship that’s monoamorous but pretends to be polyamorous. In hierarchical polyamory, power is organized by ranking primary partners above secondary, and sometimes even tertiary, partners. Essential elements of a poly hierarchy are: The primary has the ability to make rules about a relationship that they’re not in. They’re ultimately in control of that relationship A primary can veto a relationship i.e put an end to who their partner is dating. Power is asymmetrical. Secondaries and tertiary partners cannot leverage the same power against a primary ### Hinge Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#hinge Colloquial The person in a vee who is dating two partners not romantically or sexually involved with each other; the point where the two relationships meet. A near-synonym for pivot, and the more widely used term today. Commentary: The hinge carries particular responsibility for communication and scheduling, since the two ends of the vee rely on them to carry information and care between the relationships. ### Hundred-Mile Rule Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#hmile Colloquial An arrangement within a nominally monogamous marriage or relationship, particularly a marriage in which one of the partners travels a great deal or is often away from home for extended periods of time, which says that sexual dalliances that occur during the course of these travels or over a certain distance from the home don’t “really” count and hence aren’t cheating. See related don’t ask, don’t tell. ### Intentional Community Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#intentionalcommunity A residential community made up of people who share a common set of ideas, principles, or goals, and deliberately set out to create a planned community that reflects those ideas and goals. Intentional communities need not be polyamorous; there are intentional communities built around common religious, philosophical, or economic ideas, for example. Some polyamorous families create intentional communities with the idea of deliberately constructing a community built around non-monogamous relationship structures. ### Intentional Family Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#intentionalfamily A family made up of people who have consciously and deliberately chosen to consider one another as a single family, as opposed to family that is the result of birth or marriage (i.e., family in law). See related cluster marriage, polyamory, group marriage. Usage: Most often used to describe a family of three or more adults. ### Intimate Network Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#intimatenetwork Colloquial The sum total of a person’s partners, those partners’ partners, and so on. Usage: The term “intimate network” is most often used to describe the set of romantic and sexual relationships and friendships involved in a polyamorous relationship structure that is not closed; that is, the term intimate network is not often used to describe a polyfidelitous relationship, though it can be. The term is also sometimes used in a way that includes people who are close friends, but are not necessarily romantically or sexually involved, with a person or that person’s partners. ### Key Club Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#keyclub Colloquial; see swing club ### Key Party Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#keyparty A specific type of play party, usually attended by couples, in which each male deposits his keys into a container as he arrives. As the guests leave, each female draws a set of keys at random from the container, then goes home with the male to which they belong that night. Usage: A key party is typically a swinger event. ### Kitchen Table Polyamory (KTP) Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#ktp colloquial A style of polyamory that emphasizes family-style connections even among people in a network who are not dating each other. So named because the people in a network can gather around the kitchen table for breakfast. ### Life Partner Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#lifepartner A partner, usually a romantic and sexual partner, with whom one has the intent of a long-lasted and intertwined committed relationship. Commentary: A life partner need not necessarily be a spouse, though most often a spouse is a life partner. In some cases, someone may consider a partner’s partner to be a life partner even though there is no direct sexual or romantic relationship with that person. ### Limerence Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#limerence A strong desire for, longing for, or preoccupation with another person, accompanied by a sometimes overwhelming desire for reciprocation. Limerence may be accompanied by idealization of the person so desired. Etymology: The term limerence was coined by Dr. Dorothy Tennov, who described it in her book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love (Scarborough House, 1979, ISBN 0812862864). Commentary: Limerence is distinct from new relationship energy in that it is more akin to what people commonly call a “crush,” and may not be associated with a relationship at all. Some researchers have linked limerence to quantifiable physiological processes in the brain, particularly to depressed levels of the neurotransmitter serotonin. Some people in the polyamory community use the word limerence as a synonym for new relationship energy, though this usage is not technically correct. ### Long-Distance Relationship (LDR) Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#ldr A relationship in which the people involved do not live together, and are separated by great distances; as, for example, partners who live in different cities, in different states, or even in different countries. ### Lover-In-Law Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#loverinlaw Colloquial 1. A partner of one’s partner; metamour. 2. The biological family of one’s partner. Commentary: In the sense of Def. 1, most often applied to a metamour with whom one has a close relationship. ### Love Triangle Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#lovetriangle 1. See triad. 2. In contemporary American vernacular outside of the poly community, a relationship in which two people both love a third; in this usage, the assumption is that each of the two is competing for the undivided affections of the third, and that the third is being placed in a position where he or she is expected to choose one of the two competing partners. ### Lovestyle Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#lovestyle See relationship orientation. Usage: Most common in New Age or tantra communities. ### Marriage Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#marriage A culturally diverse institution recognized across various societies globally, often involving the union of individuals in a relationship that is acknowledged and supported by community norms, legal systems, or religious practices. This union is not exclusively between one man and one woman, as it encompasses a wide range of forms including but not limited to same-sex partnerships, polygamous relationships (such as polygyny and polyandry), group marriages, and monogamous relationships. The core essence of marriage transcends geographical and historical boundaries, embodying commitments that may include but are not limited to cohabitation, emotional support, social recognition, sexual exclusivity or non-exclusivity, shared economic responsibilities, rights of inheritance, joint property ownership, and mutual child-rearing. Marriages across different cultures may confer various rights and responsibilities, including but not limited to decision-making in legal, medical, and family matters. These roles and expectations have evolved over time and continue to vary significantly across different societies and legal jurisdictions. The recognition of marriage affects social status and may offer economic benefits, legal rights, and social protections to its members. Globally, the definition and recognition of marriage have been subject to reevaluation and change, reflecting shifting societal values towards inclusivity and equality. This includes the acknowledgment of same-sex marriages and the consideration of legal rights for partnerships beyond traditional dyadic unions, challenging conventional norms about the structure and purpose of marriage. ### Metamour Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#metamour (Literally, meta with; about + amor love): The partner of one’s partner, with whom one does not share a direct sexual or loving relationship. See related vee. Further reading: Dealing with Difficult Metamours by Page Turner, in our resource library. ### Molecule Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#molecule A set or subset of polyamorous relationships, such as a triad, vee or quad, or a complete romantic network. See also polycule. ### Monoamory Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#monoamory (Literally, mono one + amor love): The state or practice of loving only one person at a time. Contrast polyamory; See also monogamy. Commentary: The word monoamory was coined as a response to the fact that the word monogamy literally means “one marriage;” technically speaking, a monogamous person, according to the word’s roots, should be a person with only one spouse, regardless of the number of other romantic or sexual partners that person has. In practice, it means essentially the same thing as monogamy, though it is sometimes applied to a person who self-identifies as monogamous but is involved in a romantic relationship with a person who self-defines as polyamorous. ### Monogamish Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#monogamish Colloquial A relationship that is not necessarily sexually fidelitous, but that differs from polyamory in that the outside sexual relationships are seen as primarily sexual rather than romantic, without necessarily having any expectation of continuity, and are viewed as enhancing the primary couple. See related open marriage. Etymology: The term was coined by columnist Dan Savage to describe committed relationships that still allow some “outside” sexual dalliances. ### Monogamy Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#monogamy (Literally, mono one + gamos marriage) Formally, the state or practice of having only one wedded spouse. Informally, the state or practice of having only one wedded spouse at a time, or more generally, having only one sexual partner or only one romantic relationship at a time. Monogamous: of or related to the practice of monogamy, as in monogamous relationship: a relationship permitting one and only one romantic or sexual partner. Contrast polyamory, polygamy, polygyny, polyandry; See related closed marriage, serial monogamy. Further reading in our resource library. ### Mononormativity Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#mononormativity See compulsory monogamy. ### Mono/Poly Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#monopoly Colloquial Of or relating to a relationship between a person who self-identifies as polyamorous and a person who self-identifies as monogamous. ### N Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#n Colloquial A polyamorous relationship involving four people, generally two couples where one member of one couple is also involved sexually and/or romantically with one member of the other couple. See also quad; See related triad, vee. ### New Relationship Energy (NRE) Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#nre A strong, almost giddy feeling of excitement and infatuation common in the beginning of any new romantic relationship. While similar in some ways to limerence, new relationship energy is distinct in that it often follows the beginning of a relationship (as opposed to desire for a relationship), and can last as long as several years. Contrast old relationship energy. Commentary: Some researchers believe that new relationship energy is the result of the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin, which are released by the brain during the start of a new relationship and after a mother gives birth and are believed to have a role in emotional bonding and in the feelings of happiness and well-being that often accompany the start of a new relationship. Further reading: The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy by Lola Phoenix, in our resource library. ### Nesting Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#nesting The act of cohabitating (i.e. the sharing of designated space, typically a home, and routines, typically of daily life) with someone. ### Nesting Partner Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#nestingpartner A relationship characterized by cohabitation (i.e. the sharing of designated space, typically a home, and routines, typically of daily life). May include platonic, romantic, or sexual partners. Commonly used in polyamorous communities to describe relationships with living arrangement agreements (i.e. the “nest”). Often involves agreements associated with shared finances and child-rearing. Prioritizes companionship, chosen/intentional family, shared responsibility, and deep connection over traditional roles. Offers an alternative to hierarchical "primary" status, while still acknowledging the commitments and entanglements associated with sharing a household and living together. ### Nonexclusive Monogamy Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#nonexclusivemonogamy Of or related to any marriage involving exactly two people, whereby each of the two is permitted to have sex with others outside the relationship but may not marry (or in some cases conduct emotionally intimate relationships) outside the relationship. Also can be called “monogamish”. Contrast group marriage. Commentary: the word monogamy in nonexclusive monogamy is used in the formal sense of “one marriage,” rather than in the general sense of “one sexual partner.” ### Non-Hierarchical Polyamory Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#nonhierarchical See egalitarian polyamory. ### NRE Junkie Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#nrejunkie Colloquial; usually derogatory A term sometimes applied, often dismissively, to a person who starts many new relationships in rapid succession but does not seem to maintain relationships for very long. Such a person may appear to seek out the euphoria and intense emotion associated with new relationship energy over the maintenance of a long-term relationship. Commentary: Some psychologists and psychiatrists believe that the intensity and euphoria associated with new relationship energy can be psychologically addictive; in the psychiatric community, the term “love addiction” is sometimes used to describe this behavior. ### Nuclear Family Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#nuclear A family consisting of one man and one woman, married to one another, and their children. In some religious and social groups, this structure is idealized as the only “right” form of family, though historically it has never been the dominant family structure in Western history. ### Old Relationship Energy (ORE) Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#ore The feeling of comfort, security, and stability often associated with a long-standing romantic relationship. Contrast new relationship energy. ### Omnigamy Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#omnigamy 1. Group marriage. 2. Of or relating to having multiple spouses of both sexes. ### One Penis Policy (OPP) Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#opp An arrangement within a polyamorous relationship in which a man is allowed to have multiple female partners, each of whom is allowed to have sex with other women but forbidden to have any other male partners. Commentary: Its hypothetical opposite, a “one vagina policy” in which a woman has a group of male partners who are each forbidden to have other female lovers, seems so rare as to be theoretical; I’ve never seen or heard of a real-life example of such a relationship. ### Open Marriage Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#openmarriage Any marriage whose structures or arrangements permit one or both of the members involved to have outside sexual relationships, outside romantic relationships, or both. The term open marriage is a catchall for marriages that are not emotionally or sexually monogamous, and may include such activities as polyamory or swinging. Contrast closed marriage; See related group marriage. Commentary: The term “open marriage” is sometimes used as a synonym for polyamory, though this is not necessarily the case; some relationships may be open but not polyamorous (as in some swinging relationships that explicitly ban emotional entanglement with anyone outside the relationship), and some relationships may be polyamorous but not open (as in polyfidelitious relationships) ### Open Relationship Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#openrelationship 1. Any relationship that is not sexually monogamous. 2. Any relationship that permits “outside” sexual entanglements, but not loving or romantic relationships. Commentary: Some folks use the term open relationship as a synonym for polyamory. To other people, the term excludes polyamory, and is used specifically to describe relationships that are sexually non-monogamous but that still expect that the people involved will not fall in love or engage in romantic relationships outside the couple, as for example with many swinging relationships. It’s important to be careful when using this term, as it may carry very different connotations for different people. ### Open Swinging Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#openswinging A practice in which a group of swingers will exchange partners and then have sex together in the same room; sometimes but not always assumes group sex. Contrast closed swinging. Usage: Common in the swinging community; uncommon outside it. ### Oxytocin Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#oxytocin A naturally occuring hormone produced in the hypothalamus and secreted from the pituitary gland. Oxytocin is produced both by men and women, and in women is known to play a role in uterine contraction during childbirth and in milk production. Production of this hormone increases during the early stages of a new relationship and during sex, and it is believed to be partly responsible for mediating the processes involved in emotional intimacy. New relationship energy is thought to be a result in part of oxytocin production. See related vasopressin. ### Panamory Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#panamory Of or relating to romantic or sexual love with partners of many sexes, sexual orientations, gender identities, and/or relationship orientations. Panamorous, of or relating to one who identifies as a person capable of romantic or sexual love with many kinds of partners regardless of their sex, sexual orientation, or gender identity. ### Parallel Polyamory Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#parallelpolyamory A style of polyamory in which the relationships a person has are largely independent of one another, and there may be little or no contact or relationship between a person’s various partners. See related solo polyamory. ### Parallel Play Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#parallelplay Colloquial Of or related to two (or more) couples or groups having sex in the same room, without members from one couple or group having sexual contact with members of another couple or group. Usage: Most commonly used in the swinging community. ### Paramour Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#paramour (literally, par way + amor love; by way of love) 1. A married person’s outside lover. 2. A mistress, the unmarried female lover of a married man. 3. A nonmarried member of a polyamorous relationship. ### Pivot Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#pivot Colloquial In a vee relationship, the person who has two partners. ### Platonic Relationship Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#platonic A close, emotionally intimate relationship in which there is no sex or physical intimacy. ### Play Party Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#playparty 1. In the swinger community, a party, often hosted at a swing club but sometimes hosted at a private residence, at which swingers get together for the purpose of recreational sex. 2. A party with emphasis on shared sexual activity or experience. ### Poly Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#poly Colloquial Of or related to polyamory; as, a poly relationship, a poly person. ### Polyaffective Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#polyaffective Colloquial A close, affectionate, non-romantic and non-sexual bond between people in the same polycule, most often between metamours who become genuine friends or chosen family. Etymology: Attributed to sociologist Elisabeth Sheff, who used it to name the warm connections that hold a polycule together beyond romance. ### Polyamory Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#polyamory (Literally, poly many + amor love) Polyamory is a relationship orientation that encompasses the capacity to love and be in committed relationships with more than one person at the same time. It involves engaging in multiple romantic and/or sexual relationships simultaneously, with the understanding, consent, and mutual respect of everyone involved. Commentary: There is some debate over the origin of the word. The Oxford English Dictionary attributes the word to Jennifer Wesp, who founded the newsgroup alt.polyamory in 1992. The term polyamorous is often attributed to Morning Glory Zell, who used it to describe situations in which a person engages in multiple loving, committed relationships simultaneously in the essay “A Bouquet of Lovers.” It appears that both people coined the term independently and simultaneously. Polyamory is not necessarily related directly to marriage or to polygamy; a person may have no spouse or only one spouse and still be polyamorous. Many people use the term “polyamory” to describe only those relationships in which a person has multiple loving partners; some people have extended the term to include relationships in which a person has multiple sexual partners regardless of the emotional component or degree of commitment between them, though this meaning was not a part of Morning Glory Zell’s original intent for the word. In 1992, when the editors of the Oxford English Dictionary contacted Morning Glory Zell to ask for a formal definition and background of the word; part of her response was “The two essential ingredients of the concept of ‘polyamory’ are ‘more than one’ and ‘loving.’ That is, it is expected that the people in such relationships have a loving emotional bond, are involved in each other’s lives multi-dimensionally, and care for each other. This term is not intended to apply to merely casual recreational sex. Further reading: Polyamorous: Living and Loving More by Jenny Yuen, in our resource library. ### Polyandry Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#polyandry (Literally, poly many + andros man) The state or practice of having multiple wedded husbands at the same time. Contrast monogamy; see related polygamy, polygyny. ### Polycule Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#polycule A romantic network, or a particular subset of relationships within a romantic network, whose members are closely connected. Also used to describe a sketch or visualization of a romantic network, as these drawings often resemble the depiction of molecules used in organic chemistry. See also molecule. ### Polyfamily Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#polyfamily Colloquial 1. A set of polyamorous people who live together and identify as part of the same family. 2. A polyamorous group whose members consider one another to be family, regardless of whether or not they share a home. ### Polyfidelity Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#polyfidelity (Literally, poly many + fidelitas faithfulness) A romantic or sexual relationship which involves more than two people, but which does not permit the members of that relationship to seek additional partners outside the relationship, at least without the approval and consent of all the existing members. Some polyfidelitous relationships may have a mechanism which permits adding new members to the relationship with mutual agreement and consent of the existing members; others may not permit any new members under any circumstances. Etymology: The term polyfidelity was coined by the Kerista Commune. ### Polyfuckery Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#polyfuckery refers to the occurrence of unscrupulous, messy drama within polyamorous relationships. This term is colloquially used to criticize behaviors within the polyamory community where individuals, under the guise of polyamory, engage in numerous relationships that are characterized by a lack of emotional depth or are short-lived, thereby deviating from the principles of honesty, communication, and emotional connection that are central to polyamory. It specifically targets actions that seem to misuse the concept of polyamory for less committed or superficial encounters, rather than embracing the ethical and consensual framework that polyamory advocates for. This usage often carries a connotation of derision toward the individuals or practices it describes, distinguishing it from other non-monogamous identities, such as swinging, which it does not intend to critique. ### Polygamy Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#polygamy (Literally, poly many + gamos marriage) The state or practice of having multiple wedded spouses at the same time, regardless of the sex of those spouses. Contrast monogamy; See related polyandry, polygyny. Commentary: Polygyny is the most common form of polygamy in most societies that permit multiple spouses. For that reason, many people confuse the two. Some objections to the practice of polyamory, for example, objections based on the perception that polyamorous relationships are inherently disempowering to women, arise from the misperception that polyamory or polygamy are the same thing as polygyny. ### Polygyny Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#polygyny (Literally, poly many + gynos woman) The state or practice of having multiple wedded wives at the same time. Contrast monogamy; See related polygamy, polyandry. Commentary: According to some sociologists, polygynous societies represent the most common form of society, with 850 of the 1170 societies recorded in Murdock’s Ethnographic Atlas being polygynous. Modern Muslim societies are polygynous, and certain religious traditions, including Fundamentalist Mormonism (FLDS) in the United States, advocate polygyny. ### Polysaturated Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#polysaturated Colloquial Polyamorous, but not currently open to new relationships or new partners because of the number of existing partners, or because of time constraints that might make new relationships difficult. Contrast polyunsaturated. Usage: Often considered humorous or slightly silly. Seems to be most common primarily in the western United States. ### Polysexual Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#polysexual Colloquial Of or related to relationships which are sexually non-monogamous but which are not emotionally intimate. Usage: Sometimes condescending or derogatory; as Bill is not really polyamorous, but only polysexual. May indicate dismissal or derision of the relationship so named. See related swinging. ### Polywog Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#polywog Colloquial, often humorous A child in a polyamororous household. ### Primary Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#primarypartners In a hierarchical relationship, the person (or persons) in the relationship with the highest degree of involvement or entanglement, or sometimes the person accorded the most importance. A person may be primary either as a natural consequence of the circumstance and nature of the relationship (because that person has the greatest degree of financial entanglement, for example), or as a deliberate consequence of the relationship structure and agreements (as in the case of an existing couple who set out to add additional partners only on the condition that those existing partners are seen as “less important” than the couple). See also co-primary; Contrast secondary, tertiary. Commentary: People who deliberately seek to construct a relationship along prescriptive primary/secondary lines typically designate one and only one relationship as the primary relationship. People who do not seek to construct a relationship along prescriptive primary/secondary lines may have more than one primary relationship; a relationship becomes primary when it reaches a certain point of emotional commitment, practical entanglement, or both. ### Quad Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#quad A polyamorous relationship involving four people, each of whom may or may not be sexually and emotionally involved with all the other members. See related N. ### Relationship Anarchy Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#relationshipanarchy A philosophy or practice in which people are seen as free to engage in any relationships they choose, spontaneity and freedom are desirable and necessary traits in healthy relationships, no relationship should be entered into or restricted from a sense of duty or obligation, any relationship choice is (or should be) allowable, and in which there is not necessarily a clear distinction between “partner” and “non-partner.” Further reading: The Dawn of Everything by David Graeber & David Wengrow, in our resource library. ### Relationship Escalator Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#relationshipescalator In compulsory monogamy culture relationships are expected to progress in a linear model which we call the relationship escalator: starting with dating, moving to cohabitation, then marriage, followed by children, and culminating in creating a legacy. ### Relationship Orientation Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#relationshiporientation A relationship orientation refers to an individual's enduring pattern of forming a secure attachment which may or may not include romantic or sexual relationship with others. Decolonizing Love holds the view that one's relationship orientation is an innate and natural predisposition; this explains why many people reject compulsory monogamy even without polyamory awareness. Our definition of relationship orientation centers on secure attachment because 'love' is a loaded term. When defining love within a relationship orientation, we often refer to 'eros, which excludes aromantic people. ### Satellite Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#satellite Colloquial A partner who is a stable, ongoing part of a person's life but more peripheral than a nesting or anchor partner, one who "orbits" without sharing a home, finances, or daily logistics. Commentary: Unlike a comet, who passes through semi-regularly, a satellite partner is a steady presence; the distance is one of entanglement, not of contact. See related solo poly. ### Secondary Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#secondary Colloquial A romantic partner other than one’s primary partner or spouse. Usage: Used almost completely within the context of hierarchical relationships. ### Serial Monogamy Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#serial A relationship pattern in which a person has only one sexual or romantic partner at a time, but has multiple sexual or romantic partners in a lifetime, and may change partners frequently. Arguably the most common form of relationship in the United States, serial monogamy is predicated on the idea that a person can love more than one other person romantically in a lifetime, but not at the same time. Contrast polyamory, polygamy, swinging; See related monogamy. ### Significant Other Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#significantother Colloquial A romantic partner. Usage: The term significant other is intended to be free of assumptions about the gender of that partner. ### Soft Swinger Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#softswinging A swinger who has sexual intercourse or engages in other sexual activity only with his or her partner, but may do so at a swing club, or in the presence of other swingers. Occasionally, soft swingers may engage in some limited form of sexual activities, often stopping short of sexual intercourse, with partners outside the existing relationship. Usage: Common in the swinging community, but uncommon in the polyamorous community. Contrast hard swinger. ### Solo Poly Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#solopoly This term defines a personal orientation or practice within polyamory where individuals prioritize their own autonomy and self-determination in relationships, steering clear of deeply entangled commitments such as cohabitation, financial intertwining, or legal ties with partners. Solo poly individuals focus on maintaining their independence while engaging in multiple loving, romantic relationships. Solo polyamory champions the concept of being one's own anchor, emphasizing self-fulfillment and personal growth alongside the pursuit of romantic and emotional connections with others.. ### Spice Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#spice Colloquial; humorous A playful plural of spouse, used by some polyamorous people for their multiple spouses or spouse-like partners, by analogy with "mice" for "mouse." Usage: Lighthearted; my spice meaning all of one's spouses collectively. ### Spouse Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#spouse A person’s husband or wife. ### Sororal Polygyny Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#sororalpolygyny A form of polygyny where a man marries two or more women who are sisters. ### Swing Club Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#swingclubs 1. A place where swingers meet to socialize or engage in recreational sex. 2. A social organization for swingers. See related friends-first swinging, closed-group swinging. ### Swinger Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#swinger A person who engages in swinging. ### Swinging Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#swinging The practice of having multiple sexual partners outside of an existing romantic relationship, most often with the understanding that the focus of those relationships is primarily sexual rather than romantic or emotionally intimate. See also friends-first swinging, closed swinging, closed-group swinging, swing club. Commentary: The common perception of swinging is that those who engage in this behavior have sex outside of their existing relationship purely for recreation, and that emotional bonds or emotional intimacy are specifically excluded. This is true in some cases, and in fact some swing clubs specifically prohibit people from carrying on friendships or relationships outside the club. However, in practice swinging is much more nuanced, and people who self-identify as swingers can and sometimes do form close emotional relationships with their partners. Many people in both the swinging and polyamorous communities, though not all, see swinging and polyamory as two ends of a continuum, different in degree of intent, focus, and emphasis on romantic and emotional relationships rather than different in kind. ### Swolly Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#swolly Colloquial A person who identifies as both polyamorous and also as a swinger; that is, a person who has multiple simultaneous relationships and also enjoys recreational sex in a swinging context. Etymology: The term was coined by Ken Haslam of the Kinsey Institute. ### Tertiary Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#tertiary A person (or persons) in a relationship that is generally quite casual, expects little in the way of emotional or practical support, or is very limited with respect to time, energy, or priority in the lives of the people involved. Contrast primary; See related hierarchichal polyamory, secondary. Commentary: A tertiary relationship may be very limited in scope or priority for many reasons, one of the most common of which is often distance. ### Triad Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#triad 1. A polyamorous relationship composed of three people. 2. A union or group of three. Usage: In the sense of Def. 1, generally, the word triad is most often applied to a relationship in which each of the three people is sexually and emotionally involved with all the other members of the triad, as may be the case in a triad consisting of one man and two bisexual women or one woman and two bisexual men; however, it is sometimes also applied to vee relationships. ### Troika Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#troika A group marriage involving exactly three people. See related triad. ### Throuple Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#throuple see triad. Etymology: A neologism coined by combining “couple” and “triple.” ### Unicorn Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#unicorn Colloquial; Usage: Almost always used of a hypothetical woman who is willing to date both members of an existing couple, agree not to have any relationships other than the ones with the couple, agree not to be sexually involved with one member of the couple unless the other member of the couple is also there, and/or agree to move in with the couple. So named because people willing to agree to such arrangements are vanishingly rare, whereas couples looking for a woman who will agree to these terms are incredibly common. ### Vasopressin Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#vasopressin A hormone produced by the hypothalamus and released by the pituitary gland. Vasopressin is known to be involved in the regulation of blood pressure and the uptake of water by the kidneys, and is also believed to be involved in mediating such responses as aggression and mating. Levels of vasopressin in the body rise sharply immediately after sex; it is believed that this may play a role in new relationship energy. See related oxytocin. ### Vee Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#vee Colloquial A polyamorous relationship involving three people, in which one person is romantically or sexually involved with two partners who are not romantically or sexually involved with each other. ### Veto Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#veto A relationship agreement, most common in hierarchical relationships, which gives one person the power to end another person’s additional relationships, or in some cases to disallow some specific activity, such as some specific sexual or BDSM-related activity. A veto may be absolute, in which one partner may reject another partner’s additional relationships unconditionally, or may be conditional and used more as a way to indicate a serious problem in a relationship. ### Wibble Anchor: https://www.decolonizing.love/glossary#wibble Colloquial A passing wave of insecurity, anxiety, or wobbly jealousy, the small "wobble" felt in a moment rather than a deep or lasting problem. Usage: Common in polyamorous communities; naming a feeling as a "wibble" frames it as a temporary reaction to sit with and communicate, not evidence that something is wrong. See related compersion, new relationship energy.