Polyamorous Boundaries in a Culture of Codependency
When I was younger, my ideal romantic relationship was an all-consuming, passionate affair where we lost ourselves so deeply that the fusion would birth galaxies. I, like many a naive young girl, was most attracted to the villain in movies because they had no limits, no boundaries. They were just pure passion. It’s why so many women romanticize the bad boy, the misunderstood, brooding dark hero.
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That is, until you actually date one. Then you realize that dating someone highly volatile who doesn’t respect boundaries isn’t them being free-spirited; it is, in fact, incredibly dangerous. Intimate partner violence is predicated on entitlement.
That, actually, it is the person without much whirlwind drama around them, who is quite regulated and has healthy boundaries, that is the most attractive. But that sort of romance doesn’t create enough sexual tension for the media to sell. As Esther Perel says in Mating in Captivity, sexual tension is created by the unknown and a touch of fear; that is through mystery, unpredictability, and a slight anxiety of the other that keeps you curious rather than fully safe and certain. The adrenaline makes blood rush to various places including your sex organs. This is why for other than sapiosexuals a thriller is sexier than a documentary, and why ballads where men tear their shirts in agony over a woman are more captivating. So, romance in culture is often taught as codependency: “You complete me”, “I have nothing if I don’t have you”, “My life only makes sense when I’m with you.” These lines are meant to sound like devotion, but they're really a portrait of mutual erasure. This narrative trains people to equate love with fusion and self-sacrifice.
Because of this, most people don’t understand boundaries very well. Boundaries are often conflated with walls, control, rudeness, or coldness, and the language is muddled or misunderstood. And that is because relational culture is still updating itself. The explicit focus on boundaries as a therapeutic and relational tool didn’t become widely popular until the 1980s, especially in family systems and trauma work. Before that, emotional enmeshment was largely normalized.
Everyone should be able to articulate their boundaries and learn how to respect boundaries. But having a good sense of boundaries is especially important in polyamory, because responsible autonomy is central to polyamory ethics. In polyamory partners need to maintain their agency, privacy within the polycule, and fair decision-making while staying connected to multiple partners. Boundaries and agreements are crucial to this endeavor: they help relationships coexist without codependency, coercion, or sneakyarchy.
In my coaching calls and on my platform, I constantly interact with people who are confused about boundaries in polyamory. They want to know which boundaries people are entitled to in a polycule. When is the use of boundaries actually an abuse of therapy speak weaponized for control? What is the difference between a boundary, a rule, and an agreement? Which boundaries should you consider first if you are new to polyamory? How do you set boundaries if you are not good with them? How does one unlearn codependency? And what if you are not from the West, but from a culture or family system where enmeshment is the norm?
As a Kenyan living in Toronto who has never been monogamous, and who has what many people describe as exceptional boundaries (thank you, Mum and Dad, and my indigenous African tribes' emphasis on self-actualization and autonomy in children), these are the answers I have put together in one place to help clarify all of that. This guide is the distillation of everything I’ve learned, coached, and lived. It’s my most honest and comprehensive answer to every boundary question I’ve ever been asked, complete with examples.
This piece was written exclusively for paid subscribers.