Polyamorous Boundaries in a Culture of Codependency

The starting observation here is that our culture sells codependency as romance. 'You complete me,' 'I have nothing without you,' the brooding bad boy with no boundaries. The essay points out that these lines are marketed as devotion but actually describe mutual erasure, and that media leans on them because safety and regulation don't generate the same charge as mystery and a little fear.

The problem is that this leaves most people genuinely confused about boundaries, conflating them with walls, control, or coldness. The author notes that boundaries only became a mainstream relational tool in the 1980s, so the culture is still catching up. In polyamory the stakes are higher, because responsible autonomy is central to the ethics: partners need agency, privacy, and fair decision-making while staying connected to several people at once.

Writing as a Kenyan in Toronto who has never been monogamous, the author frames the full guide as her most complete answer to every boundary question she gets asked, from new-to-polyamory priorities to unlearning enmeshment in cultures where it's the norm. That guide is paywalled, but the core point stands alone. You can't do non-hierarchical polyamory without a real grasp of where you end and someone else begins.