Sneakyarchy: But Babe You Said You're Not Hierarchical!

Sneakyarchy is a sharp coinage for a real problem. You can fully understand, intellectually, why hierarchical polyamory is unethical and why it isn't inevitable, a myth the piece pins on anthropologist Louis Dumont. Knowing it is only half the work. The other half is how you actually behave when a new relationship starts destabilizing an established one, and that's where hierarchy sneaks back in.

The essay is careful to separate the people under that one label. Some are quietly covering for a partner who never really agreed to egalitarian polyamory, what Dan Savage calls Polyamory Under Duress. Others are sincere but untested: their values have simply never been stress-tested by a partner who threatens the comfort of the primary bond, and when that moment arrives they act hierarchically and feel ashamed and lost, surprised by what was in them.

The example it lands on is the emotional veto. A couple swears there's no veto in their agreement, and there isn't on paper. Then a partner makes plans with someone new and the other one vetoes anyway, just emotionally instead of formally. The behavior outran the belief, which is the whole point.