Sneakyarchy: But Babe You Said You're Not Hierarchical!
You might intellectually understand why hierarchy in polyamory is unethical and more importantly, why it isn’t inevitable. That inevitability is the lie Louis Dumont propagated, and it’s baked so deeply into our culture that most people don’t even question it. But here’s the thing: understanding something intellectually is only half the battle. The other half is someone’s actual behavior, and that’s where we get sneakarchy.
What is sneakarchy?
Sneakarchy is when someone claims to practice egalitarian polyamory, or sincerely believes they do, but defaults to hierarchical behavior, especially when things get hard. Hierarchical behavior sneaks in. Hence the name.
Polyamory communities today are increasingly aware of how unethical hierarchical polyamory can be. Nobody wants to be in a relationship where someone else holds veto power over their love life and where another person’s comfort trumps your autonomy. It’s demeaning. So most people, when entering polyamorous relationships, will say they’re egalitarian, because who’s going to advertise otherwise?
But there are a few different things happening under that label:
Some people are consciously hiding their hierarchical beliefs, or much likelier covering for an established partner who hasn’t actually agreed to egalitarian polyamory in practice. Dan Savage calls this Polyamory Under Duress (PUD). Others are genuinely well-intentioned but untested. They’ve never actually had their values stress-tested with a new partner that destabilizes their more established partnership. And when that moment comes, they act hierarchically, and then feel lost, ashamed, and stuck. They didn’t know that was in them.
What sneakarchy looks like in the real world.
One of the most common forms is the emotional veto. A couple can say they have no formal veto rule in their relationship agreement: they’d agreed there wouldn’t be one. But the moment a partner starts making plans with someone else, the other partner emotionally vetoes.