Why Some English-Speaking Polyamorists Perform Virtue about Sex While the French Don't
Is this phenomenon of faux seasoned, responsible polyamorists / relationship anarchists unique to English speakers, or global?
Many people, at least in the Anglophone polyamory community, conflate sexual non-monogamy with polyamory, claiming years of “experience” without ever maintaining multiple long-term relationships. Others co-opt the label of Relationship Anarchy while ignoring its roots in anarchism, consent, and cooperative negotiation, reducing it to “do what I want” rather than mutual responsibility.
A French follower of mine theorized that this might be a phenomenon particular to English-speaking cultures. They pointed out that in French, there’s a clear distinction: polyamour refers to polyamory, while libertin refers to people who prioritize sex without love or relational ties and who tend to think of themselves first. Their take was that in English, all of this gets collapsed under one umbrella, which creates confusion.
They’re on to something, but not entirely correct. Let me explain as someone Kenyan, rooted in Indigenous lineage, who has lived in both Europe and North America and speaks multiple languages, I’m able to see Anglophone culture with a critical outsider’s lens.
In English there are terms like Relationship Libertarianism, but people often collapse or project that philosophy onto Polyamory or Relationship Anarchy as though they are interchangeable when they are not.
The difference is cultural. Francophones are often more direct in naming their relational philosophies, including libertarian approaches. Their culture, shaped by the French Revolution, tends to prize hedonism, secularism, and personal liberty even if that freedom is often accompanied by social stress or debate.
(Unity, Indivisibility of the Republic, Liberty, Equality, Fraternity, or Death)
In contrast, Anglophones, especially Americans, are shaped by Puritanism as the bedrock of their culture. Puritanism is less about joy or freedom and more about the performance of moral purity.
Even when anglophones engage in hedonistic or boundary-pushing practices, there is usually an insistence on cloaking it in a veneer of righteousness or sanctity. It is not enough to explore freely; it has to be justified as virtuous.
That’s why anglophone discourse around non-monogamy so often gets tangled in justification and moral signaling. Anglophone culture is a culture of performance rather than simply saying, “Yes, this is my philosophy, and I choose it.”