Communication & Boundaries

Most people practicing polyamory have couple privilege. Maybe they opened an existing relationship. Maybe their first serious connection became the “main” one because society treated it that way. Either way, monogamous culture gives established couples more legitimacy, protection, and power than other relationships. That’s what couple privilege is. And every time this conversation comes up, I hear the same thing: “Hierarchy is natural.” “Egalitarian polyamory is unrealistic.” But that conflates structural privilege with personal choice. There’s a difference between having privilege within a system and choosing to enforce that privilege in your relationships. We already understand this in other social justice conversations. White people can work to dismantle white privilege. Men can reject patriarchal entitlement and practice healthier masculinity. But people rarely talk about how those with couple privilege can actively challenge the systems benefiting them too. And yes, dismantling couple privilege is hard. But saying it’s “impossible” often just means someone values their comfort more than equity. If you benefit from couple privilege in polyamory, it’s your responsibility to examine it, challenge it, and stop letting your other partners absorb the harm of it. In my latest Substack, I break down: — the difference between couple privilege and hierarchy — what “sneakyarchy” looks like — 14 ways to dismantle couple privilege — how to create security without control — what egalitarian polyamory actually looks like in practice — how to tell the difference between neglect and internalized mononormativity If you’ve ever felt secondary, guilty for wanting equity, or unsure whether your relationships align with your values, this piece will give you language and practical tools to navigate it. Link in comments and in our stories today.

STOP FASTING EMOTIONALLY. If you’ve been practicing polyamory (or are curious about it) and constantly find yourself wondering if you’re “too needy,” or just bad at polyamory… I need you to read this very carefully: Your attachment needs do not magically disappear just because you have more than one partner. A huge percentage of the people who come to me for coaching think they’re maladjusted to polyamory because they have needs. They are struggling because they think they should just accept crumbs in polyamory. That doing that is being flexible and open minded. Then they wonder why their nervous system is constantly feeling outside its zone of tolerance. Monogamy runs on autopilot, the script has been written for you by culture. Polyamory runs on manual mode. If you don’t know your manual, you default to being neglected. In my latest article on substack “Your 5 Core Needs in a Polyamorous Relationship” I list a key part of the framework to shift your relationships from constant anxiety to radical security. What you’ll learn inside this piece: The 5 Non-Negotiables: The precise categories of needs you must answer for yourself before you can ever expect a partner to meet them. The Reality of Bandwidth: How to look past polyamorous ideology and audit a partner’s actual capacity to show up for you. The “Messy List”: Why protecting your emotional ecosystem is not being controlling or hierarchical but mandatory. Neurodivergence & Attachment: How ADHD, autism, and BPD flip the script on emotional safety, and how to build custom agreements that actually work for your brain. This isn’t about how to be a “cooler,” lower-maintenance partner. This is about building the discipline to know what you require to feel safe, asking for it without apology, and letting go of connections that require you to shrink yourself. Stop wondering why you feel like you’re not just cutting it in polyamory. It’s time to design them around your actual values, not someone else’s script for neglect.

Why do so many couples freeze up when it’s time to actually open their relationship… even after doing “all the work”? For a lot of people, it’s because they’ve slowly poured their entire identity, security, and emotional needs into one person. When your whole world is wrapped up in your partner, opening up stops feeling exciting and starts feeling terrifying. I see this especially with my American clients. We live in a culture with almost no community safety net, no universal healthcare, weak social support, and neighborhoods built for isolation. Of course polyamory feels threatening when so much is riding on one relationship. Modern life is designed around monogamy. But here’s the good news: you can come back to yourself. You can rebuild your own friendships, passions, and sense of identity outside of your partnership. That’s where the real work (and freedom) begins, by returning to you.

Men flock to polyamory and ENM thinking they've finally found a socially acceptable loophole. They get to have their cake, eat it too, and call it progressive. Then reality hits. Polyamory is one of the most emotionally demanding relationship structures you can choose. There are frameworks, conversations, and a level of accountability that most people have never had to practice in one relationship, let alone multiple! And the moment they realize this isn't just socially sanctioned cheating They fold. Every time. Multiple partners isn't a privilege for the avoidant. It's a practice for the emotionally grown.

Codependency in polyamory doesn’t get nearly enough airtime, and it should, because it can destroy relationships that had every reason to thrive. Differentiation is the most critical foundation a couple needs to establish before opening up. Without a secure, individuated sense of self, the transition from monogamy to polyamory doesn’t expand a relationship. It stress-tests every unhealed wound in it. And codependency is one of the most common wounds people bring through that door. What makes it so insidious is how many forms it takes. I share my own horror story on Substack, but as a coach, I’ve also witnessed some remarkably destructive codependent metamour dynamics. The hinge partner often feels overwhelmed and paralyzed, caught between people they love, yet rarely identifies the root cause. They know something is wrong. They just can’t quite name it. And the codependent partner almost never recognizes themselves as such. They experience their behavior as love, as devotion, as simply caring deeply and dealing themselves with a selfish metamour. That’s because codependency has a light side, and this is what makes it so difficult to spot. Codependent partners are often exquisitely attuned to what their loved ones need. They anticipate, they soothe, they show up. They are the ones who remember the small things, who text at exactly the right moment, who would drop everything without being asked. It’s hard to see the danger in that kind of sweetness. It’s hard to name something as harmful when it arrives wrapped in sensitivity and care. But underneath that attentiveness is a quiet desperation: a self that dissolves into the needs of others because it doesn’t feel safe to exist independently. In polyamory, that pattern has more surface area to work with. More partners. More perceived threats. More opportunities to manage, soothe, and control through love. The codependent doesn’t see it as control. They see it as creating community. But community isn't a hive mind.

Non-monogamists can’t catch a break lately. We keep getting dragged into scandals where men introduce “non-monogamy” like it’s a last-minute loophole instead of a relationship structure that requires communication, consent, and reassurance adjustment. And obviously, the way these guys allegedly attempted non-monogamy was a recipe for disaster. I do have a theory, though: I wonder if the theatre run was part of it. These women were away, busy, focused, and in the middle of major career pivots, and these men suddenly had more time alone than usual and thought, “Great time to do someone else.” Literally. It's opportunism. Thoughts?

These get confused all the time, but they couldn't be more different. Let's break it down. 👇 ENM vs. Polyamory Ethical non-monogamy is not the same thing as polyamory. ENM is an umbrella term. It includes many different forms of non-monogamy: open relationships, swinging, monogamish arrangements, polyamory, and more. Polyamory is one branch under that umbrella. It involves the capacity, desire, or practice of having multiple loving, romantic, or emotionally intimate relationships with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. So when someone says, “I’m non-monogamous,” that is only the beginning of the conversation. Non-monogamous how? Polygamy vs. Polyamory Polygamy typically is polygyny means one man, multiple wives, rooted in religion or tradition. Polyamory is gender-neutral, egalitarian, and built on the full consent of everyone involved. Polyamory vs. Cheating Cheating is deception, secrecy, and broken trust. Polyamory is a relationship orientation rooted in transparency, negotiation, and mutual consent. Cheating can also happen in polyamory. Polyamory vs. Swinging Both involve multiple partners but the why differs. Swinging is recreational. Polyamory is about building genuine emotional and romantic bonds independently. Polyamory vs. Open Relationships Open relationships center a couple with casual outside connections. Polyamory opens the door to full love, commitment, and life-building with more than one person. Polyamory vs. Commitment Issues Being poly doesn't mean running from commitment. It often means more of it. Multiple schedules, emotional needs, and long-term futures don't manage themselves.

This isn't just a personal milestone; it’s a signals a shift in the cultural tide. It turns out the world is far more hungry for decolonizing the mind than for the status quo. There is a delicious irony in how we got here: I climbed this list on the strength of a piece educating people on setting healthy boundaries. Meanwhile, the man I just surpassed is a felon who was incarcerated precisely because he refuses to respect women’s boundaries. The message is clear: the future is based on consent, not domination. To every single one of my paid subscribers: thank you.

I finally wrote a comprehensive guide on boundaries in polyamory because mainstream material is missing two huge pieces: how to navigate boundaries when you come from a non-individualistic culture, and what to do when you and your partner have completely clashing boundary styles. Some of us need high transparency and structured agreements to feel safe. Others feel suffocated and controlled by those exact same agreements. This carousel breaks down the absolute basics: the vital difference between boundaries, rules, and agreements, while touching on the shadows of codependency and control. For the deep dive, the nuances, and all my recommended resources, head over to the full piece on our Substack!

There are far more books on polyamory than Polysecure and The Ethical Slut alone, and I do not recommend the latter. On Goodreads, I’ve found 78 books on polyamory so far, and I’ve been making my way through all of them. I often recommend niche titles to my coaching clients so they can go deeper on specific questions, whether that’s reconciling Christianity with polyamory or navigating neurodivergence within polyamorous relationships. What’s your favourite niche polyamory book? Next Event 📆 The Art of Being a Hinge Workshop - April 24 5:00pm PST / 8:00pm EDT / April 25 5:30am IST / 9:00am JST / 10:00am AEST / 2:00pm NZST

Being a hinge and having challenges with more than one partner is not for the faint of heart. That is exactly why self-care is so important for hinges. If you are not grounded in yourself, it becomes much easier to get overwhelmed, overextend, people-please, or lose clarity about your own needs and boundaries. A good hinge is not just someone who loves multiple people. A good hinge is someone who knows how to communicate clearly, regulate themselves, and set fair boundaries. We go over strong hinge fundamentals in our upcoming event this weekend, The Art of Being a Hinge. If you want more support in navigating hinge dynamics with more care, come join us. Next Event 📆 The Art of Being a Hinge Workshop - April 24 5:00pm PST / 8:00pm EDT / April 25 5:30am IST / 9:00am JST / 10:00am AEST / 2:00pm NZST 20h

The problem with the lack of mainstream models for healthy polyamorous relationships is that people often don’t know what standards to expect. Many mistakenly believe that being in a polyamorous dynamic means accepting whatever they get and that being “progressive” equates to being content with less. However, the foundational elements of a healthy relationship remain the same, whether it’s monogamous or polyamorous. You still need consistency, a certain amount of time to build a secure attachment, and a commitment to responsibilities. In fact, because of the complexities of polyamory, you’ll likely need even more reassurance and more transparent communication. I’ve coached over 400 clients on navigating polyamory, and a common theme I see is people feeling ashamed for experiencing anxiety or jealousy. When we dig deeper, it often becomes clear that they are not asking for what they need. Many are suppressing fundamental needs because they think that in polyamory, they’re not allowed to ask. But your nervous system doesn’t care about relationship labels—it will still require what it needs for secure attachment. The key is to stay in touch with your feelings rather than repressing them. You need to cultivate curiosity about your emotions, validate them, and find ways to honor your needs collaboratively with your partner while respecting everyone’s autonomy. Striking this balance is absolutely possible, but it requires self-acceptance and the courage to express your needs openly. Settling for the bare minimum is not enough. You deserve a relationship that meets your needs, and being polyamorous doesn’t change that. Next Event 📆 The Art of Being a Hinge Workshop - April 24 5:00pm PST / 8:00pm EDT / April 25 5:30am IST / 9:00am JST / 10:00am AEST / 2:00pm NZST

A hinge partner, especially someone new to polyamory or raised in a conflict-averse household, may feel overwhelmed by the disputes and differing needs of their partners. As the bridge between your partners, a lot rests on your shoulders. You can’t shirk responsibility or force kitchen table polyamory if it doesn’t work for everyone. Likewise, being a people-pleaser won’t serve you in navigating polyamory successfully. You need to sit with discomfort, clearly identify what you want, and communicate it effectively. And it’s completely okay if your partners prefer a parallel approach, different relationship styles can coexist peacefully when everyone is honest and clear about their needs. Setting boundaries as a hinge is crucial, and it starts with self-understanding. Without a strong sense of self, you risk being pulled in different directions by stronger personalities. Developing clarity about your own needs will help you navigate your relationships with confidence and balance. If you want more personalized support, you can also book a coaching session through the website in our bio. Next Event 📆 The Art of Being a Hinge Workshop - April 24 5:00pm PST / 8:00pm EDT / April 25 5:30am IST / 9:00am JST / 10:00am AEST / 2:00pm NZST

Opening up a relationship to "save" it rarely works, it tends to magnify existing issues rather than solve them. I always say that no one should enter an open relationship just because they love their partner; their reason needs to be bigger than the relationship itself. Without a genuine ideological alignment with non-monogamy, they’re unlikely to truly embrace it. Likewise, if someone turns to polyamory as a way to avoid commitment, they’ll quickly find that polyamory doesn’t solve that issue, it requires multiple commitments, making it even more complex. Be polyamorous because your heart is expansive, because you love and connect deeply—not as a compromise or an escape. Next Events: 📆 The Art of Being a Hinge Workshop - April 19 (SOLD OUT) 📆 The Art of Being a Hinge Workshop - April 24 5:00pm PST / 8:00pm EDT / April 25 5:30am IST / 9:00am JST / 10:00am AEST / 2:00pm NZST

I have a friend who likens your previous monogamous relationships to a resume, determining if you’re ready to be ‘promoted’ to polyamory. Personally, I view polyamory as a natural orientation, where your past experiences don’t dictate whether you’re inherently polyamorous. Yet, desiring to date multiple people doesn’t automatically equip you with the emotional maturity needed to manage the emotions of multiple partners. Generally, if someone struggles to maintain one healthy relationship, it’s unlikely they’ll manage multiple relationships effectively. Polyamory demands a greater level of emotional fortitude. Next Events: 📆 The Art of Being a Hinge Workshop - April 19 1:00pm PST / 2:00pm MDT / 4:00pm EDT / 5:00pm BRT / 8:00pm GMT / 10:00pm EET 📆 The Art of Being a Hinge Workshop - April 24 5:00pm PST / 8:00pm EDT / 5:30am (April 25) IST / 9:00am (April 25) JST / 10:00am (April 25) AEST / 2:00pm (April 25) NZST

Scheduling is indeed a vital component of polyamory. In compulsory monogamy, it is often assumed that one's free time outside of work will be dedicated solely to their partner. However, in polyamory, especially for relationship anarchists, this dynamic is different. Effective scheduling skills and the use of calendars are essential for polyamorists to navigate the complexities of multiple relationships. With varying levels of commitment, communication, and emotional needs across different partners, a well-organized schedule ensures that time is allocated fairly and equitably. Utilizing a shared calendar is particularly recommended, as it fosters transparency and trust, ensuring that all partners feel valued and respected. Calendars also provide a clear overview of each partner's availability, helping to prevent misunderstandings and double-booking, which can strain relationships. Additionally, they allow for the prioritization of self-care and personal time, which is crucial for maintaining balance and avoiding burnout in polyamory. Pic by @kitology

Misconceptions often arise when people equate a cishet man being polyamorous with him being a womanizer. But those assumptions are inaccurate. In reality, many men who practice polyamory develop stronger relationship skills because they are navigating multiple emotional connections with care and intention. Polyamory requires open communication, honesty, accountability, and the ability to consider the needs of more than one partner at a time. Those are not the habits of someone avoiding commitment. Polyamory invites people to engage thoughtfully with the complexities of relationships instead of simply following a compulsory monogamy script. It encourages introspection, negotiation, and emotional responsibility. For many, that process leads to deeper self-awareness and stronger relational skills. Blanket judgments about polyamorous men ignore the ethical foundations of consensual non-monogamy and the effort it takes to practice it well. Being polyamorous does not mean someone is commitment-phobic. It means they are approaching commitment differently. Understanding polyamory requires moving beyond stereotypes and recognizing the many ways people build meaningful, ethical relationships. Next events: 📆 The Art of Being a Hinge Workshop — April 19 (SOLD OUT) 📆 The Art of Being a Hinge Workshop — April 24 5:00pm PST / 8:00pm EDT April 25 5:30am IST / 9:00am JST / 10:00am AEST / 2:00pm NZST

I honestly thought the original video was satire at first. There was a lot to unpack in it. A key theme though that emerges is an apprehension towards neologisms, meaning newly minted words. However, the reality is that language, much like humanity itself, is in a constant state of evolution. As we continue to discover novel aspects of our universe and ourselves, our language must expand to reflect these insights. An example is the field of polyamory, which has developed its own unique lexicon. For those embracing a polyamory, the influx of unfamiliar terminology can be daunting. Yet, this very language enables us to articulate our emotions and perceptions more accurately, fostering a shift in societal paradigms. Healthy discourse is fuelled by the constant exploration and debate of ideas, and new terminology serves as a catalyst for such conversations. Instead of viewing these new words with apprehension, it’s more beneficial to approach them with curiosity, pondering how they can broaden our worldview and enhance our interpersonal relationships. Looking back at our evolutionary history, the cognitive revolution - marked by the development of complex language - is a testament to the power of communication. It was through our ability to convey intricate ideas and cooperate on a large scale that we, as a species, have managed to thrive. Therefore, it stands to reason that continuing this linguistic revolution is not just beneficial, but crucial to our ongoing survival and progress. The ongoing evolution of language isn’t a threat, but rather, it’s our ticket to staying ahead in an ever-changing world. Next Events: 📆 The Art of Being a Hinge Workshop - April 19 (SOLD OUT) 📆 The Art of Being a Hinge Workshop - April 24 5:00pm PST / 8:00pm EDT / April 25 5:30am IST / 9:00am JST / 10:00am AEST / 2:00pm NZST

People often assume that polyamory lacks commitment because they define commitment through the lens of monogamy—where being ‘loyal’ means restricting yourself from romantic or physical connection with anyone else. But commitment isn’t about restriction; it’s about choice, care, and follow-through. In monogamy, commitment is measured by what you don’t do. In polyamory, commitment is about what you actively choose to do—showing up authentically in each relationship and honoring the agreements you’ve made. That doesn’t mean polyamorous relationships lack boundaries. On the contrary, they involve clear agreements, just like any healthy relationship. It’s not a free-for-all; it’s structured, intentional, and requires deep communication. In fact, polyamorists often joke that they love commitment so much, they choose to have multiple commitments! And if you understand how someone can be loyal to multiple friends or family members, then you already understand how loyalty and commitment can be plural in romantic relationships too. Next Events: 📆 The Art of Being a Hinge Workshop - April 19 (SOLD OUT) 1:00pm PST / 2:00pm MDT / 4:00pm EDT / 5:00pm BRT / 8:00pm GMT / 10:00pm EET 📆 The Art of Being a Hinge Workshop - April 24 5:00pm PST / 8:00pm EDT / 5:30am (April 25) IST / 9:00am (April 25) JST / 10:00am (April 25) AEST / 2:00pm (April 25) NZST

That’s accurate. You can unpack jealousy with good communication, but with poor communication it becomes difficult to work through almost any issue. Polyamory really requires the ability to have complex conversations about difficult things.