Dating & NRE

It’s the best dating someone who is already seasoned in polyamory. You don’t have to walk them through the deep deconditioning from compulsory monogamy culture. You can just date. Luckily, these days, so many people are already non-monogamous, especially if you live in a major progressive city.

I’ve noticed this dynamic comes up a lot when my partners date people who are either monogamous or still heavily shaped by monogamous conditioning. They’ll often make an effort to befriend me—not because they’re genuinely interested in building a relationship with me, but because they see it as a way to feel closer to our shared partner. It’s not always malicious, but it’s not sincere either, and over time, that becomes painfully clear. I once had a metamour I really liked as a person. I had hoped we could build a real friendship. But every time she and our shared partner went through rough patches, she would withdraw from me too—as if my worth in her life was entirely tethered to the health of their relationship. It hurt. And it forced me to realize that while it’s normal for polyamory to have a learning curve, especially for people new to it, their growing pains shouldn’t have to come at the cost of my emotional well-being. Since then, I’ve learned to approach new metamour relationships with more caution. I tend to stay parallel—friendly, respectful, but not intertwined—unless we develop an organic connection that’s genuine, mutual, and strong enough to exist beyond our shared partner. Because my relationships with metamours, like any other relationship, deserve to be built on real care, not convenience. Next Events: 📆 The Art of Being a Hinge Workshop - April 19 (SOLD OUT) 1:00pm PST / 2:00pm MDT / 4:00pm EDT / 5:00pm BRT / 8:00pm GMT / 10:00pm EET 📆 The Art of Being a Hinge Workshop - April 24 5:00pm PST / 8:00pm EDT / 5:30am (April 25) IST / 9:00am (April 25) JST / 10:00am (April 25) AEST / 2:00pm (April 25) NZST

Experienced polyamorists often hesitate to date those new to polyamory because beginners are still navigating the intense learning curve that comes with it. It’s uncertain how well they’ll handle the challenges or commit to the inner work required. Polyamory tends to bring up deep, unexpected emotions, and many people walk away when it gets too tough. Those of us who’ve already worked through these struggles are cautious about falling in love with someone who might quit halfway because it feels overwhelming. We seek partners who are “battle-tested,” who we can resonate with on the same wavelength. Ultimately, those who’ve been through it come to realize that polyamory is about learning to be in community with one another.

This caused a lot of controversy when I posted it two years ago. I make it a point to meet a potential partner’s other partners. Not because I need to be friends or involved in their dynamic, but because I want to make sure I’m entering an ethical situation. I’m not interested in dating someone who is using “polyamory” as a cover for cheating. And just as importantly, I need to know that nobody has been pressured or coerced into an open relationship they didn’t actually agree to. Some people say, “What if your meta doesn’t want to meet you?” That’s completely fine. I’m not entitled to anyone’s time or emotional energy. But I would still need some form of confirmation from them that the relationship is genuinely open and that they’re aware of me. It could literally be a five-minute video call, a short message, anything that confirms informed consent. For me this is about basic relational ethics. I also don’t do “don’t ask, don’t tell” arrangements. In my experience those situations are usually built around secrecy and avoidance, and they create conditions where people can easily be misled. I’m not interested in entering dynamics where I’m a secret or where the structure prevents people from having clear agreements across a polycule. I respect that people practice non-monogamy in many different ways. But for me, transparency is non-negotiable. I’m not here for polyf*ckery. If I’m dating someone, everyone involved should at minimum know that I exist and that the relationship is happening. That’s the baseline. 💖 Want more clarity in your connections? Try our Relationship Agreement Generator, also in the bio.

I love getting help choosing what to wear to entice a new love interest it makes the excitement of a fresh connection even more fun. I also love styling my partners before their dates since I do personal styling myself. There's something special about helping them look and feel their best, knowing they’re about to have a great time. It’s such a unique and playful benefit of polyamorous dating being able to share fashion tips, hype each other up, and celebrate each other's romantic adventures.

How do you share that you’re polyamorous with someone you’ve met in person, rather than online? There are so many ways to bring it up, from being direct to using humor or slipping it subtle into the conversation. Here are some of our favorite approaches. What about you? How do you like to share that you’re polyamorous with someone new?

The worst polyamory experiences, by far, have been the unexpected surprises: partners or polycule members suddenly revealing their true colors. Having someone in the polycule suddenly push for hierarchy or turn out to be a cowherd (a monogamous person pretending to be polyamorous just to manipulate a poly partner into exclusivity) feels like such a betrayal. And trust me, you don’t want to learn the hard way, like I did, why a ‘messy list’ is necessary. Trying to be the ‘cool’ person can backfire fast, and before you know it, your friendship is in ruins. We handled NRE for the first time in the polycule pretty well, and we managed to navigate bringing multiple partners to family events but no matter how prepared you think you are, there are always big emotions to process and lessons to learn. What have been your big poly canon Events? In the context of polyamory, a “messy list” refers to individuals whom one prefers their partners avoid dating due to the potential negative impact on their support network or the likelihood of causing distress in their life. It’s common for polyamorists to include family members, friends, work colleagues, and toxic ex-partners on their messy list. and New Relationship Energy (NRE) describes the exhilarating heady feeling that comes with the start of a new romantic relationship. Within polyamory, this emotional high can be particularly intense, as individuals navigate the thrill of new connections while maintaining ongoing relationships.

In polyamorous relationships, it’s not unusual for individuals to become momentarily swept away by the exhilaration of a new romance, inadvertently overlooking their existing connections. The thrill of new relationship energy (NRE) can be all-consuming during the honeymoon phase, but it’s essential to remain mindful of its potential impact. Simultaneously, it’s crucial to nurture and reinforce your other relationships, as the flames of old relationship energy require consistent attention; otherwise, the embers may fade. Too often, people take their long-standing relationships for granted, assuming they will always be there. However, feeling undervalued while a partner indulges in the excitement of a budding romance can be disheartening. As a polyamorous individual, you have a unique responsibility to care for multiple relationships, regardless of the circumstances unfolding within each one. Don’t let NRE cloud your judgment; remember the commitments you have made to all your relationships.

I made this video about a week after I left someone. After more than a year together, it became clear they’d been hiding how much they resented me being polyamorous, and quietly hoping I’d eventually leave Nick and be monogamous with them instead. But I have never been monogamous. I’m not becoming monogamous for anyone. There’s a name for this pattern in polyamory: cowgirl, cowboy, or cowherd. It refers to people who pursue polyamorous partners with the goal of eventually pulling them into monogamy. It’s not a simple difference in preference. It’s a strategy that disrespects consent and tries to override someone’s relationship orientation to fit a more culturally dominant script. These individuals often sow seeds of doubt, positioning monogamy as the more “serious” or “valid” option while subtly or overtly disparaging existing partners. Some go further, attempting to isolate their target emotionally, playing into insecurity or jealousy to undermine polyamorous bonds. The result? Emotional harm not just to the person being targeted, but to their entire polycule. It’s important to name this for what it is: coercive and unethical behavior rooted in entitlement and control, not love. Autonomy and mutual consent are at the heart of ethical relationships, regardless of structure. People in polyamorous dynamics deserve to have their identities, choices, and partnerships respected, not treated like something to be “corrected.” Healthy relationships, polyamorous or otherwise, thrive when everyone involved is committed to honesty, mutual respect, and shared values, not when someone enters with an agenda to dismantle what’s already been carefully and consensually built. 🤝 Need polyamory support? Book a 1:1 coaching session or use our Relationship Agreement Generator to set boundaries for your polycule 🔗. Links in bio 👆✨

Experienced polyamorists often hesitate to date those new to polyamory because beginners are still navigating the intense learning curve that comes with it. It’s uncertain how well they’ll handle the challenges or commit to the inner work required. Polyamory tends to bring up deep, unexpected emotions, and many people walk away when it gets too tough. Those of us who’ve already worked through these struggles are cautious about falling in love with someone who might quit halfway because it feels overwhelming. We seek partners who are “battle-tested,” who we can resonate with on the same wavelength. Ultimately, those who’ve been through it come to realize that polyamory is about learning to be in community with one another. 🤝 Need polyamory support? Book a 1:1 coaching session or use our Relationship Agreement Generator to set boundaries for your polycule 🔗. Links in bio 👆✨

Instead of getting defensive, the most emotionally intelligent response is regulation: pause, breathe, and listen for what’s underneath the frustration. A lot of women aren’t saying “all men are terrible.” They’re naming patterns they’ve had to navigate on repeat in poly dating: relationship-libertarian fuckboys cosplaying as relationship anarchists, men who are obviously polysaturated but keep dating anyway and then can’t hinge worth a damn, and men who refuse to do any emotional homework. When you respond with empathy “I get why you’re tired, that sounds exhausting, and it makes sense you’d be guarded” it changes the whole temperature of the room. It shows you’re not here to win an argument, you’re here to be in relationship with people as humans. And that kind of groundedness is genuinely attractive: it signals care, skill, and the ability to hold complexity without making it about your ego. 🤝 Need polyamory support? Book a 1:1 coaching session or use our Relationship Agreement Generator to set boundaries for your polycule 🔗. Links in bio 👆✨

New Relationship Energy (NRE) describes the exhilarating, heady feeling that comes with the start of a new romantic or sexual relationship. Within polyamory, this emotions l high can be particularly intense, as individuals navigate the thrill of new connections while maintaining ongoing relationships. Today’s skit shows what it can look like when a nesting partner starts feeling more like a roommate or a maid than a cherished partner. While one person rides the high of a new romance, the other is picking up dirty dishes, folding laundry, and wondering when the emotional attention will return. This isn’t about villainizing NRE, it’s about balance. Established partners still need connection, care, and quality time. It’s easy to unintentionally deprioritize them when you’re caught up in the glow of something new, especially if you tend to hyperfocus or chase novelty. But that neglect adds up. No one wants to feel like they only matter when the NRE fades. So here’s your gentle reminder: schedule date nights with your long-term partners. Check in. Ensure you’re not slipping on responsibilities. Express appreciation. Don’t let your love become background noise just because it feels stable. NRE can absolutely enrich your polycule when handled with intention. But it starts with remembering: new love is exciting—but old love is also sacred. 💖 Use our Relationship Agreement Generator to set boundaries and agreements for your polycule!

Being poly doesn’t mean you have to be currently dating anyone actually. Polyamory is an orientation, so some poly people are single, some are polysaturated at one partner, and most poly folks I know can’t realistically sustain more than three attachment-based relationships. A lot of poly people might want additional partners, but the dating scene is bleak to many, monogamous and polyamorists alike albeit for different reasons.

Hate to break it to y’all, but the polyamory dating scene isn’t necessarily a huge upgrade. Being polyamorous is liberating but the poly dating scene.... Most people in it are still transitioning, because we’re in the middle of a cultural paradigm shift. That means many don’t fully know what they’re doing yet they’re still unlearning monogamous and patriarchal scripts that shaped how they approach love, jealousy, and boundaries. To make things trickier, a lot of poly communities are either very sex-focused or steeped in hierarchy, which can feel alienating for people seeking emotional depth or an egalitarian connection. The first big challenge is simply finding poly community (check our resources section on our website for a list worldwide), then finding people who actually practice ethical nonmonogamy rather than just talk about it. And even once you get that far, there still has to be real compatibility like matching schedules and attraction. Ironically, the folks who do embody the healthiest, most ethical polyamory tend to be the most in demand, so they’re often polysaturated and unavailable.

New relationship energy (NRE) is that polyamory phenomenon where dating someone new gives you a burst of joy, basically the honeymoon phase, when everything feels extra rosy. It can spike your energy, and sometimes your libido too. Nick started seeing someone new, and I could tell this was different because his NRE was off the charts. He was grinning constantly and saying yes to everything I asked. Exhibit A: this video from the mall. Nick usually hates shopping, but on this run he was unbelievably agreeable. Clearly: NRE. If that’s what it takes for him to love shopping… I hope he gets more NRE. Kidding. Not kidding.

Fun fact: questions that gentle go deeper, and make space to share how you feel about each other actually build closeness. We both loved doing this. Try it with your partner(s) and see what opens up.

Mono–poly relationships happen all the time, for a bunch of reasons. Sometimes a monogamous person meets someone who’s openly poly, catches real feelings, and decides to explore whether it can work. Sometimes that same journey helps the “monogamous” partner realize they aren’t actually monogamous after all. (I’ve said it before: most people are polyamorous, they’ve just been heavily socialized into monogamy.) Other times, someone realizes they’re poly later in life while already in a committed relationship, and that can be destabilizing, but it doesn’t have to be the end. What I don’t see much in real life (despite the moral panic) is poly people “tricking” monogamous people to drag them into something that violates who they are. If anything, I more often see the reverse: monogamous folks assuming they can “convert” a poly person into exclusivity, because monogamy is treated like the only valid structure. Mono–poly can absolutely work. I’ve seen couples do it for a decade and be solid. For this to happen there needs to be honesty, boundaries, and mutual respect, not coercion, not shame, not trying to fix each other. And as polyamory grows, we’re going to see more of these relationships.

Would you accept an AI companion into your polycule?

Not sure who needs to hear this, but you're not ethically non-monogamous just because you're in a temporary ho phase before you return to monogamy. Ethical non-monogamy is not just about the freedom to explore sexual connections with multiple people and be open about it. It's not hookup culture 2.0. It's a paradigm shift toward genuine openness to nurturing multiple romantic and/or sexual relationships in a responsible way. While there’s nothing wrong with exploring your desires or going through a phase of casual connections, calling it ethical non-monogamy without the intentionality and principles that guide it can create confusion and even harm. So many people label themselves as ENM because they're trying to associate themselves with polyamory. True ethical non-monogamy involves ongoing work to challenge societal norms, maintain transparency, and build trust with all partners involved—not just a pit stop on the way back to a traditional, monogamous life 💖 Want more clarity in your connections? Try our Relationship Agreement Generator, also in the bio.

That was a wild chapter in my polyamory life. We ended things not long after, there were too many knots to untangle and a lot more that unfolded afterward. But honestly, pre-pandemic poly life in Vancouver, especially while working in film, was lit. It feels surreal to be back with no comets to visit for the first time. I’m revamping my love life (pun intended) with a lot of lessons in my pocket. New chapter unlocked. And if you’ve got a strange poly long-distance story, I genuinely want to hear it.