Monogamy Culture & Amatonormativity

It’s Pride Month, and the debate often resurfaces or polyamorists: should cis-het polyamorists be allowed to march in Pride parades? After thoughtful reflection, this queer person says, yes. And here’s why. Pride has always been about more than identity, it’s about resistance. A rebellion against the policing of our bodies, desires, and freedoms. It began as an uprising against a state that criminalized queerness, gender nonconformity, and non-normative s*xuality. Pride is not just a celebration; it’s a refusal to comply with systems that try to dictate how we live and love. And monogamy, specifically, state-sanctioned, white, patriarchal monogamy—is a core part of that system. It’s the relational model the state most rewards and protects, and it’s no coincidence. Compulsory monogamy has been used to uphold inheritance systems, control women's bodies, erase queerness, and enforce racial hierarchies. To question that structure is deeply political—and deeply aligned with the spirit of Pride. Yes, there are valid concerns about cis-het people co-opting queer spaces. Those concerns deserve attention and accountability. But pushing back against normativity means embracing all who are challenging the rules, especially those challenging the sexual and relational norms that underpin white supremacy and heteropatriarchy. So, should cis-het poly folks be at Pride? If they’re showing up in solidarity, aware of their privilege, and committed to dismantling the systems that hurt us all, then yes. Because the goal isn’t a narrower gate. The goal is liberation. For all of us. 🔍 Looking for support on your polyamory journey? Book a 1:1 coaching session, grab tickets to our Intro to Polyamory from a Decolonizing Lens workshop, or explore deeper articles on Substack. Links in bio. a

I love talking about monogamy as a social construct, because of how deeply it’s been internalized by folks as a norm while its history is often erased. Anthropological research shows that strict, lifelong monogamy has not been the dominant human arrangement across societies; many Indigenous and pre-colonial cultures practiced a range of relationship systems, including polygyny, fluid partnerships, and kinship networks not centered on nuclear families. Even Engels, in The Origin of the Family, Private Property and the State, argues that monogamy emerged alongside private property and inheritance systems rather than as a natural human default. The very word “family” comes from the Latin familia, meant the slaves of a man. And colonization to the Latin word for farmer. This ties to the agricultural revolution which marked a turning point where land ownership, surplus, and inheritance became central, reinforcing patriarchy and control over women’s reproductive capacity. Scholars widely link this period to the consolidation of male dominance and more rigid family structures. European colonialism exported these hierarchical systems globally, often suppressing diverse Indigenous kinship models in favor of patriarchal, monogamous norms. These structures later aligned with capitalist systems that depend on unpaid reproductive labor and gendered divisions of work. A society organized primarily around care, reciprocity, and collective well-being would challenge these foundations, which is why these relationship norms are so tightly defended and reproduced. If you’re ready to go deeper, we offer: 📝 Relationship agreements for dyads, and polycules 📚 Substack essays for deeper dives into polyamory, decolonization, politics and relational ethics

Those who think polyamory is merely about collecting as many people as possible will ultimately fail at polyamory. Polyamory is not about acquisition. It is not about building a little empire of partners, lovers, situationships, admirers, and emotional supply. There is a reason patriarchal empire chose monogamy as its relational norm. If your goal is to treat people like objects you own, control, inherit, exchange, possess, or organize around your ego, then monogamy has historically served that project very well. But polyamory, at its best, is about consensual freedom. Consent requires informed decision-making. It requires communication. It requires honesty about what you can offer, what you cannot offer, what agreements exist, what risks are present, and how your choices affect other people. Polyamory is not the absence of responsibility. It is the multiplication of responsibility.

Monogamy and colonialism go hand in hand because both are built on the belief that people can be owned. Land. Bodies. Labour. Love. Colonialism taught people that possessiveness is devotion. That control is safety. And monogamy, as a social system, took that same scarcity logic and dragged it into intimacy. Now even love is treated like private property. This is why polyamory feels like an attack to some. It asks the ultimate question: If love were truly free, would it still choose you? Would someone still come home if they were free?

Colonialism distorted our relational practices by imposing compulsory monogamy, fragmenting communities, enforcing amatonormativity, promoting the nuclear family, instilling hierarchical thinking, fostering a scarcity mindset, and encouraging transactional relationships, all of which have resulted in significant suffering. Yet, there’s little awareness that these relationship paradigms are not natural or inevitable; they are colonial constructs that can be reimagined and improved to create more fulfilling lives. Decolonizing your relationship will be uncomfortable at times and will truly test your commitment to your stated values. It’s important to have strong boundaries so that you don’t let others push you to go against those values. There’s a lot to unlearn, and it won’t be just an intellectual process. Your nervous system has been conditioned to fear vulnerability, minorities, and to take pleasure in domination, so you’ll need to unlearn a lot on a somatic level. However, decolonizing your inner being is worth it for more fulfilling relationships that are authentic and aligned with your values. Good luck on your beautiful journey. Next Event 📆 The Art of Being a Hinge Workshop - April 24 5:00pm PST / 8:00pm EDT / April 25 5:30am IST / 9:00am JST / 10:00am AEST / 2:00pm NZST

Actually, in some ways it’s an amazing time to be alive if you’re a relationship anarchist: you get to witness the erosion of compulsory monogamy culture alongside the decline of the American empire’s global coercive power. About half of Gen Z and a substantial share of millennials now describe non‑monogamy as their ideal relationship structure, with surveys indicating that roughly 50% of Gen Z and 43% of millennials consider non‑monogamy their preferred model, even if they aren’t currently practicing it. Just a few years ago, only about 1 in 10 people reported ever having been in an open relationship, but recent nationally representative data from the U.S. and Canada now show that approximately 1 in 5 (around 20%) of adults say they have participated in a consensual non‑monogamous (CNM) relationship at some point. It has also become increasingly common to see “ENM” or “poly” listed on dating apps, reflecting a growing public vocabulary and normalization of non‑monogamy; at the same time, various jurisdictions are beginning to introduce legal and policy reforms that acknowledge the rights of polyamorous families and multi‑partner households. There is also growing public awareness that the modern ideal of obligatory monogamous couplehood is tied to colonial and patriarchal property regimes rather than as some timeless “natural” form of love. There is a weakening of America’s ability to unilaterally bully other countries, as more states and blocs now coordinate outside U.S. control, building alternative institutions and trade routes that make it harder for the U.S. to impose its will. Next Event 📆 The Art of Being a Hinge Workshop - April 24 5:00pm PST / 8:00pm EDT / April 25 5:30am IST / 9:00am JST / 10:00am AEST / 2:00pm NZST

People cheat for various reasons, but this post focuses on those who cheat not for the thrill, but because they feel pressured to lie to their partners and conform to societal expectations. They fear being outcast or abandoned if they reveal their true desires. While the fear of being left by a partner is valid, the latter is often shaped by cultural factors and is not always a fear based in reality. In many modern metropolitan areas, the social stigma around open relationships isn’t as severe as it might seem. Many couples secretly have experienced infidelity, are secretly swingers, or operate under a ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ (DADT) arrangement. Monogamy is often performed or masked for appearances. For those who feel trapped in this pattern and want to break free, we remind them that the desire to live authentically must outweigh the fear of rejection. Living honestly is not only freeing, but it also sets a positive example for others, including your children, if you have any. Hiding behind lies rarely offers the long-term benefits some believe it does. Of course, context matters—some people may be in situations where honesty is difficult, such as when a partner has more financial control or in cases of personal safety. However, for those who can, we always encourage honesty. We’ve seen many individuals transition from cheating to practicing polyamory successfully, and we commend them for it. Personal evolution is possible, and it’s a path worth considering. Next Events: 📆 The Art of Being a Hinge Workshop - April 19 (SOLD OUT) 📆 The Art of Being a Hinge Workshop - April 24 5:00pm PST / 8:00pm EDT / April 25 5:30am IST / 9:00am JST / 10:00am AEST / 2:00pm NZST

Monogamy isn’t for everyone, but we live in a society that tries to tell us it’s the only way to have intimate relationships. Humans, like nearly all mammals, are naturally inclined towards non-monogamy. The consequence of going against our natural disposition is evident in the high divorce rates, rampant infidelity, and normalized codependency that often leads people to sideline friendships in favor of romantic relationships but then feel isolated. Ironically, some of the myths promoted by compulsory monogamy culture are false; it’s in fact non-monogamous relationships that tend to last longer on average because they avoid falling into routine, sexual passion can be revived through new relationship energy, and communication is often better due to honesty and not following social scripts. There’s been a marked increase in people embracing open relationships. Human nature will always win; we naturally gravitate towards variety and freedom, which non-monogamy offers. Next Events: 📆 The Art of Being a Hinge Workshop - April 19 (SOLD OUT) 📆 The Art of Being a Hinge Workshop - April 24 5:00pm PST / 8:00pm EDT / April 25 5:30am IST / 9:00am JST / 10:00am AEST / 2:00pm NZST

Polyamory is revolutionary because it breaks the chains of scarcity, ownership, and conformity that the system has forced onto us. Capitalism, patriarchy, and white supremacy all depend on teaching us that love is limited, that commitment only counts if it is exclusive, and that partners can be treated like property. That’s why governments in the West only recognize monogamy, because they know controlling love is a way to control people. To practice polyamory is to reject that lie. It’s to say love is abundant, autonomy is non-negotiable, and interdependence is strength. It is to look jealousy and fear in the face and answer with communication, courage, and truth. Polyamory tears down the “relationship escalator” and the myth that adulthood means following a script: date, marry, reproduce, consume, die. It challenges the nuclear family model that isolates us and keeps us exploitable, and instead builds networks of care, solidarity, and resistance. It honors Indigenous and pre-colonial traditions that colonizers tried to erase, and it makes space for queer, trans, and non-normative lives to thrive. Polyamory demands that we love with intention, that we fight against possession and domination, and that we build communities where freedom is not just personal, but collective. To love differently is to resist oppression. To organize love beyond their rules is to organize power. Next Events: 📆 The Art of Being a Hinge Workshop - April 19 (SOLD OUT) 📆 The Art of Being a Hinge Workshop - April 24 5:00pm PST / 8:00pm EDT / April 25 5:30am IST / 9:00am JST / 10:00am AEST / 2:00pm NZST

The call for decolonization should not mean rejecting all aspects of modernity in favor of a complete return to past ways of life. That's neither realistic nor entirely desirable. Some products of modern civilization, like the internet, have undeniably connected us in valuable ways. Rather, decolonization means dismantling oppressive colonial systems and incorporating practices that promote harmony and sustainability. Colonial capitalism, with its thirst for wealth, power and individual gains above all else, has caused tremendous social and ecological damage. Built on greed and isolation, it has fed unsustainable consumption and exacerbated inequality. Decolonization challenges and seeks to replace these harmful structures. It encourages a return to the proven ways of sustainable community and governance that characterized Indigenous societies - ways that balanced human needs with nature's limits. This does not mean abandoning technology, but harnessing it to complement principles of harmony and sustainability. The key is adopting an economic model centered on holistic wellbeing rather than unlimited growth. Next Events: 📆 The Art of Being a Hinge Workshop - April 19 (SOLD OUT) 📆 The Art of Being a Hinge Workshop - April 24 5:00pm PST / 8:00pm EDT / April 25 5:30am IST / 9:00am JST / 10:00am AEST / 2:00pm NZST

Love is not a scarce resource to be hoarded or saved for one person. It is abundant, renewable, and deeply relational. The myth that there is only one person meant for you in a lifetime is seductive, but it is also deeply limiting. It comes from a common misreading of Plato’s *Symposium*, where humans are described as searching for their “other half” to become whole again. But wholeness is not something another person can grant you. It is something you cultivate within yourself and alongside a loving, interconnected community. Framing love as infinite allows us to experience it in many forms, including romantic, platonic, familial, and communal, without fearing that loving one person more somehow means loving someone else less. The idea of “once-in-a-lifetime” love burdens people with impossible expectations. It turns a partner into a fantasy meant to fulfill every emotional, sexual, spiritual, and logistical need, which is not only unrealistic but also unfair. It also teaches us to view love as a transaction or a prize, something we earn or lose rather than a practice we embody. When we move away from the idea of “The One,” we make room for multiple meaningful connections across a lifetime. Some may be short, some long, some romantic, and some not. In doing so, we honor the full spectrum of love that helps us grow, heal, and belong. Next Events: 📆 The Art of Being a Hinge Workshop - April 19 (SOLD OUT) 📆 The Art of Being a Hinge Workshop - April 24 5:00pm PST / 8:00pm EDT / April 25 5:30am IST / 9:00am JST / 10:00am AEST / 2:00pm NZST

Non-monogamy has been more normalized in queer communities throughout modern history. In fact, the term "monogamish" comes from the work of Dan Savage, a gay man and sex educator who frequently advises heterosexual individuals. Queer people, often questioning sexual norms and having to create their own unconventional families due to social ostracization, have historically challenged compulsory monogamy. This is one reason why there is a higher proportion of individuals identifying as bisexual within polyamorist communities. Queer polyamory not only redefines relationship norms but also intersects significantly with social justice and far-left ideologies. This alignment arises from a shared commitment to challenging traditional power structures and advocating for marginalized voices. Queer communities, having long navigated the fringes of societal acceptance, inherently understand the importance of dismantling oppressive systems, be they related to sexuality, gender, or relationship models. Consequently, queer polyamory often embodies principles of radical inclusivity, equity, and conscious resistance to societal norms. It serves as a powerful expression of personal autonomy and collective liberation, aligning closely with broader movements for social change and the disruption of long-standing, rigid societal constructs. Next Events: 📆 The Art of Being a Hinge Workshop - April 19 (SOLD OUT) 📆 The Art of Being a Hinge Workshop - April 24 5:00pm PST / 8:00pm EDT / April 25 5:30am IST / 9:00am JST / 10:00am AEST / 2:00pm NZST

Some people realize their non-monogamy identity early. I’m one of the lucky ones. Not internalizing compulsory monogamy means I’ve grown up always critical of it. I share my life-long observations to help others also decolonize from compulsory monogamy culture. Christianity first forced Europeans into Compulsory Monogamy, and then it was imposed on the rest of the world through colonization, creating a lot of dissatisfaction and issues in people’s dating lives because monogamy is not aligned with our natural disposition. Check out the book Sex at Dawn for more on that. Compulsory monogamy overlooks the diversity of human relationships and desires. However, over the past few years, there has been a notable shift, especially among younger generations, towards exploring alternative relationship styles, including non-monogamy. In the end our natural disposition will always win. Next Events: 📆 The Art of Being a Hinge Workshop - April 19 (SOLD OUT) 📆 The Art of Being a Hinge Workshop - April 24 5:00pm PST / 8:00pm EDT / April 25 5:30am IST / 9:00am JST / 10:00am AEST / 2:00pm NZST

Mono-poly relationships exist and can be successful when neither partner tries to force their relationship preferences onto the other. People have different capacities for emotional connection, as well as different limits on time, energy, and resources. What matters is not whether those capacities match, but whether partners can meet each other’s needs. Compulsory monogamy culture often links possessiveness to a monogamous identity. Jealousy is a normal human emotion experienced by both monogamous and polyamorous people, but acting on jealousy in ways that restrict a partner’s autonomy is not ethical. No one has the right to possess another person. The idea that real love can only exist within exclusivity is another myth reinforced by compulsory monogamy culture. Many polyamorous people experience deep commitment and love across more than one relationship. For mono-poly relationships to work, monogamous partners benefit from examining cultural assumptions about exclusivity, and polyamorous partners need to respect that some people are genuinely monogamous and do not want additional relationships. Not everyone wants or has the capacity for multiple connections, and that includes many polyamorous people as well. A strong mono-poly relationship depends on focusing attention on the shared partnership itself rather than on a partner’s other relationships or their absence. Next Events: 📆 The Art of Being a Hinge Workshop - April 19 (SOLD OUT) 📆 The Art of Being a Hinge Workshop - April 24 5:00pm PST / 8:00pm EDT / April 25 5:30am IST / 9:00am JST / 10:00am AEST / 2:00pm NZST

Polyamory is not “open cheating.” People often make that assumption because, in traditional monogamy, the cardinal rule is no romantic or sexual relationships outside the dyad. But you can’t apply monogamy’s rules to polyamory any more than you can judge basketball by football rules—they’re different games with different structures. Polyamory has its own framework of agreements, boundaries, and expectations, and violating those is just as serious as infidelity in monogamy. Dishonesty, secrecy, or breaking established boundaries are breaches of trust in any relationship, polyamorous or not. The difference is that in polyamory, consent and communication are central: multiple relationships happen transparently and ethically, with everyone involved aware and consenting. So it’s not “anything goes”, it’s a relationship style that demands just as much, if not more, integrity and accountability than monogamy. Next Events: 📆 The Art of Being a Hinge Workshop - April 19 (SOLD OUT) 1:00pm PST / 2:00pm MDT / 4:00pm EDT / 5:00pm BRT / 8:00pm GMT / 10:00pm EET 📆 The Art of Being a Hinge Workshop - April 24 5:00pm PST / 8:00pm EDT / 5:30am (April 25) IST / 9:00am (April 25) JST / 10:00am (April 25) AEST / 2:00pm (April 25) NZST

Also, now that it’s becoming clearer that figures connected to the Epstein network, like Les Wexner, who controlled major brands such as Victoria’s Secret and Abercrombie & Fitch, played a role in shaping the extremely narrow and harmful beauty standards of the 1990s and 2000s, it’s worth paying attention to what’s happening culturally right now. We’re living through a moment of an Epstein regime, at the same time, we’re seeing the reappearance of similarly restrictive beauty ideals. When power consolidates in the hands of a small cultural elite, beauty standards often tighten in ways that discipline bodies. Everything is connected. stitch with MiaMariscano on Tiktok

Compulsory monogamy culture pits women especially against each other in competition for a man. My meta being monog worries my friends because they worry Ll be pushed out based on this trope. Idon’t live with this scarcity mindset though. Love is abundant. Loosing out is never possible. If its true love, then he can’t be taken. If it isn’t true love, then I’d rather not have it and wish him happiness elsewhere. Besides I too date other people and always have a plenty ot love around me. Inere Is nothing to compete fordove is abundant.

Often, monogamists impose the limitations and agreements of their relationships onto polyamorists. In a monogamous context, loyalty and commitment typically mean refraining from romantic feelings or physical intimacy with others. For polyamorists, however, loyalty and commitment are defined by showing up authentically to your relationship, and adhering to the specific agreements made within each one, which may not necessarily include sexual or romantic exclusivity. This doesn't mean that polyamorous relationships lack boundaries; on the contrary, they have their own set of clear agreements it's not a free-for-all. In fact, polyamorists often humorously remark that they love commitment so much that they choose to have multiple commitments. If you understand how one can be loyal to multiple friends and family members, then you can appreciate that loyalty can indeed be plural. 💖 Want more clarity in your connections? Try our Relationship Agreement Generator, also in the bio.

The more I follow the news, the more I find myself drawn to the same conclusion: we need to return to a matriarchy, one where elder women steward rather than rule. A matriarchy isn't reverse patriarchy. It's not about seizing power; it's about organizing society around care and wisdom. There's a difference between leading from strength and leading from ego, and I think that difference is exactly what's been missing.

Things that don’t make sense to polyamorous people: being conflicted about which of your crushes to date, love triangles, fighting over someone etc The dilemma of having to choose between multiple romantic interests, a common trope in monogamous narratives, is a non-issue in polyamory, as it is founded on the concept of loving and maintaining relationships with more than one person simultaneously. Similarly, the concept of love triangles, which often involve jealousy, secrecy, and competition, is a foreign concept in polyamorous relationships. Rather than fostering a sense of rivalry, polyamory encourages open communication, mutual respect, and collaboration between all parties. The idea of “fighting over someone,” often stemming from possessiveness in monogamous relationships, is also antithetical to polyamorous principles, which prioritize consent and autonomy for everyone involved. In polyamory, love is not seen as a finite resource to be fought over, but as something that can be shared and multiplied. Compulsory monogamy is complex, stifling and concerned overly about non-issues, when open loving is just easier and liberating. meme by @polyampirates